Ok, so it has been a few months since I wrote on here. Classes have kept me pre-occupied all the way through July. But to be honest, so has not wanting to face some things. It has been almost two years since i finished chemo I thought by now that whole chapter in my life would simply be a memory and a distant one at that. Here is the thing. This spring I started fighting feeling sad and tired a lot. I watched all my classmates go through the graduation ceremony and off to internships and couldn't help but be frustrated that I couldn't be a part of that. I know the decision I made to split my program into two years was the right decision, it still remains a very difficult one.
This summer I finished two of my incomplete classes I had to take last fall and while it feels good that I was able to get them done, I am seeing now it was also me trying to not deal with how I am feeling. I have never really cared for living in Kalamazoo, even in undergrad before this all started. Living here now is just a constant reminder of everything that happened. And I can't help but think that in April I will be experiencing some serious de ja vu. There is something about being here that physically and emotionally pulls me down. Actually, almost anywhere in Michigan makes me feel this way. I don't want to feel this way because I have my parents and brothers and nieces and nephews living here. I want to be able to spend time with them and be happy. It's just so hard sometimes because something always makes me think of the cancer and the surgeries and the hospitals and the chemo. In small doses it doesn't bother me. But when it is all around me, it gets difficult. I still have my body reminding me of everything still. I am doing so much better than I was a year ago but I still see the limitations I am hitting and that is frustrating.
I realized today that these emotions and frustrations and memories were bringing me to the point where I have more days than I care to count sitting on my couch watching TV or playing games on my phone. Not trying to interact with the world outside my apartment unless I had to. Shopping, church, bill paying. Nothing that really brought me out of myself.
This morning I found a Facebook page on a cancer survivor page about two women basically living up life for a year. Doing new things, big or small, every day.
https://www.facebook.com/lifeitup365?fref=ts
I liked the idea of doing something different each day and talking about it. I wouldn't do it exactly the same way but something similar. I had a professor when I first started college (who has since become a close friend) who told me one way to combat homesickness (or in this case depression) was to find one thing each day to laugh about. Even if it was a memory. If you laugh at least once a day you can't stay sad all the time. It makes life that much easier and brighter. It was an idea I tried when I was in chemo and it really helped. But I let go of it when I started school and I think that was a mistake.
What I want to try to do then is each day to do something or learn something that makes me smile. It can be as big as crossing something off of my bucket list to as small as finding a new place to go for a walk. And to keep me honest, share what that thing is every day. I'm sure I'll come up with some corny name for it like "365 Things To Smile About". Actually...I kinda like that. Anyway, it is something that will keep me moving and smiling for the rest of the time I am in Kalamazoo and into my internship...where ever that might be. And writing about it will keep me accountable for it. So here goes. I better get moving and figure out what today's will be.:)
Posts
