But I was still able to find something to smile about:). First, my dad drove two hours to where I am going to school and where I had to have the CT scan just to be with me! (yes, I am going to the same school I was at when diagnosed! That is a whole other can of PTSD worms!). So dad was there letting me squeeze the circulation off from his thumb and talking and making jokes and just being his tall, strong, calm, steady self I have always known him to be and depend on! And then there was my wonderful nurse / technician who's name I can't remember but who listened to me when I told him about my phobia of needles and how I have never gotten an IV without multiple sticks and / or digging for the vein because mine liked to hide deep down in my arms! He worked on both of my arms until he was sure he had a good vein and got it on the first poke and no digging!!! God bless that wonderful man!!!!
Once the needle was in and the CT started I found I had stopped shaking and had stopped remembering being wheeled in on a gurney to that room in the middle of the night almost three years ago. I started breathing normally and started repeating over in my head, "It's going to be clear. It's going to be clear.". And I couldn't help but smile. A real smile, not the nervous smiling and laughing I have always done. Yes, I was and am still afraid. I'm not sure I'll ever get that scan and not be. But today, I was able to put it aside for a moment, like my mom has been trying to teach me, and focus on the positive thought that everything was going to be ok. I'll get the results next month and then...keep moving forward. :)