In the Air!

In the Air!
400 feet above the ground in Orlando.

Florida

Florida
Taking my first step towards a new life.

Virginia

Virginia
Spending an afternoon at Marymount during my internship!

My rocks!

My rocks!
Wouldn't be where I am without my parents!

Graduation

Graduation
Walking for my Masters. An interesting book end as this all started when I graduated from undergrad!

Awesome Nurses!

Awesome Nurses!
After my port removal and saying goodbye to my chemo nurses before moving away from Michigan. Wouldn't be doing that without them!

Hair again!

Hair again!
Growing longer each day

Last Chemo

Last Chemo

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Silliness

Silliness
Something to remember and return to. A good day!

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Thursday, January 21, 2016

365 Things to Smile About Day 167. First Poke & No Digging!

I have been spending the past couple weeks getting worked up over my first annual CT check up with my oncologist.  Up until this past year they were coming every six months.  Today I had my CT and I have to admit...I was terrified!  And I don't even have the results yet!  Combine a total phobia of needles with a fear of walking into the CT room at the hospital where I was first diagnosed for the first time since those frighting first days and add severe anxiety over the question of did it come back and you get quite the basket case!!

But I was still able to find something to smile about:).  First, my dad drove two hours to where I am going to school and where I had to have the CT scan just to be with me!  (yes, I am going to the same school I was at when diagnosed!  That is a whole other can of PTSD worms!).  So dad was there letting me squeeze the circulation off from his thumb and talking and making jokes and just being his tall, strong, calm, steady self I have always known him to be and depend on!  And then there was my wonderful nurse / technician who's name I can't remember but who listened to me when I told him about my phobia of needles and how I have never gotten an IV without multiple sticks and / or digging for the vein because mine liked to hide deep down in my arms!  He worked on both of my arms until he was sure he had a good vein and got it on the first poke and no digging!!!  God bless that wonderful man!!!!

Once the needle was in and the CT started I found I had stopped shaking and had stopped remembering being wheeled in on a gurney to that room in the middle of the night almost three years ago.  I started breathing normally and started repeating over in my head, "It's going to be clear.  It's going to be clear.".  And I couldn't help but smile.  A real smile, not the nervous smiling and laughing I have always done.  Yes, I was and am still afraid.  I'm not sure I'll ever get that scan and not be.  But today, I was able to put it aside for a moment, like my mom has been trying to teach me, and focus on the positive thought that everything was going to be ok.  I'll get the results next month and then...keep moving forward.  :)




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