365 Things to Smile About Day 84 & 85. Finally Found a Smile.

Yesterday and today have been pretty rough.  A lot of school work, constant rain and the inability to focus, among many other things, has been building on top of me lately and today the damn burst and it was just not a good day.

I realized today was the second day without writing anything on here and I was seriously tempted to let it go to day three to see if things improved.  But then I remembered that would completely go against what I am trying to do here.  To remind myself that there is always something to make you smile, even on those terrible, no good days.

I will admit, I have been struggling as to what to write about.  I was scrolling through Facebook tonight looking at all the costumes of people and unfortunately, that just made me miss my friends more!  Then I came across a silly meme.  Nothing overly hysterical about it, but for some reason it started to make me laugh so hard!!  Every time I went back to it (and I found myself scrolling back to it several times) I just started laughing again!  And that felt so good!  I really, really needed to laugh today!  So I am sharing it below and hoping to spread the laughter to anyone else having a string of those terrible, no good days.

For my friends who can't see, the cartoon is of a mother in the kitchen basting a turkey and a bottle and glass of wine on the counter behind her.  She is singing: "Because you know I'm all about that baste, 'bout that baste--" and her daughter is looking at her saying "No more wine mom."

365 Things to Smile About Day 82 & 83 Crazy Busy But Feels Good!

And yet another two days in one post!  I don't feel as bad about these anymore!  Lol!!  I'm still keeping up fairly well I think!!

Anyway, yesterday, like most days lately, was really busy with school and the Low Vision Clinic.  Lately being at the clinic, while always amazing, has been draining.  Hard to focus and my supervisor noticed.  Last night I felt on the ball!  Yes, things go their own speed there and you can't rush.  But I felt on top of my work...I got my eye phys terminology correct and learned about a couple new devices!  So all in all a good night.  It felt good being able to focus there again last night!

Today has been another busy day with homework and studying.  I woke up and literally rolled out of bed, had breakfast and started studying and organizing notes for an exam online.  Then I took said exam and this time I finished with 4 minutes the spare instead of 1 second!  I feel fairly good about the test.   Not perfect though.  I have learned if I start second guessing my answers I generally move in the wrong direction.  So I answered the best I could while being able to look up some information since it was open note and open book.  We will just have to see!  Then I went strait into working on another assignment after the test.

So yes, a busy couple days but I am smiling because I am accomplishing things!!!!

365 Things to Smile About Day 81. Smoking Vacuum!!

Between homework and studying today I decided to take a break and do some cleaning.  I pulled out my trusty vacuum and went to town!!

I got the vacuum four years ago from Good Will so I knew it wasn't new and it held out through four years and several moves!  Today...it vacuumed its last!  

As I was covering the area by my sliding door I noticed that puffs of smoke were coming up from under the front. Instead of turning it off, I found myself wondering how much more I could do before it got dangerous!  Lol!  I gave it up when I started to smell burning rubber!!  My poor vacuum is bound for the dumpster and I need to try to find a new one.  I couldn't help but laugh though as my first thought was "Can this thing make it a little longer?!" rather than "Oh shoot!  Smoke coming from my vacuum!  I should turn this off!"  Lol!  

365 Things to Smile About Day 80. A New Pumpkin

Two weeks ago I got a nice, big pumpkin at Meijers and carved a fun Jack-O-Lantern on it!  I put it outside my sliding door and it just added a nice little cuteness to my porch:).  I noticed yesterday that the lid on top was shrinking and so I took a closer look and saw that in two weeks the pumpkin had turned almost completely to mush!  While I know that carved pumpkins don't last forever, that is the first time I have had one completely go icky and black and gucky on my in only two weeks!

Tonight, when I was at the store I saw a bin of pumpkins and couldn't resist getting one to replace the sad little pumpkin rotting on my stoop!  So I grabbed one and brought it home, placing it next to it's dilapidated twin and then scooped the poor, old one up in a bag and tossed it in the dumpster:(.  Now sits an un carved, but healthy looking, pumpkin by my door and I am torn between carving it and risking it melting before the weekend or leaving it whole to double for both Halloween and Thanksgiving?  I would add to it as time goes on maybe so it doesn't look so lonely.  They only problem is for some reason starting November 1, unless you are growing them, there is nary a pumpkin to be found!  I shall have to ponder this overnight and decide tomorrow.  A grinning Jack-O-Lantern for a short time or a pretty, whole pumpkin for a little longer?

365 Things to Smile About Day 79. Blue Sky And Autumn Leaves!

Yesterday I went for a walk between studying for two different tests and finishing out the week for another class.  I needed to clear my head and walk away from it all for just a little bit.  So I plugged in my headphones and found a good Pandora station and just started to walk.

The sun was shining and the sky was a deep blue!  As I was walking down my road I looked up and couldn't help but stop at the beauty of the yellow leaves on a tree agains the blue sky!  The contrast was so intense!  Both the blue and the yellow were vibrant and crisp against each other!  It really was quite breath taking!  I ended up taking a little longer walk then I had planned and just enjoyed the different colored leaves against the sky and the cool breeze blowing on my face with music in my ears!  A very calming and relaxing walk that enabled me to get back to studying afterwards with no problems!

365 Things to Smile About Day 78. Hilarious Sights!!!

It's really amazing the things you see when driving down the road!   It can be anything from cute dogs and strange outfits, to people dancing to their music in their ears!

Today I saw something that made me crack up laughing so hard!!  On the sidewalk was a man practicing riding a unicycle!!  A sight you don't see every day!  Lol!!  Most of the rest of my drive home I thought about that sight and couldn't stop laughing about it!  So props to the man on the unicycle and thanks for the laugh!!

365 Things to Smile About Day 77. Going Out

Yesterday was a good day!!!  My sister Anne flew in from Cali for a visit!  I haven't seen her in about three years so it has been great!!!!!  

Last night she and I went out to support our younger brother Joe as he helped a friend with opening night for a new band venue!  It was a cool spot with several different bands set up to play. We got there early and as we left around 9 pm the crowd was growing!!!!  So it looks like it was a fun and successful opening night and I had so much fun hanging with my sister!!!  Below is a picture of the three of us as Joe worked the front door...totally psyched over the crowd coming in!

So if you live near Cheseaning Michigan, check out the building behind McFarlands for live music and drinks!

365 Things to Smile About Day 76. A beautiful day and walk

I drove to my parents farm in the early afternoon and it was a beautiful day!!!  Sun shining, blue sky and leaves turning! When I got to the farm my mom and I ended up going for a leasirely stroll, as she is still recovering from a knee injury. 

After our almost half mile walk we went to the back yard and sat under an apple tree to enjoy the weather!  The sheep were talking to us (wondering why we weren't giving them more food as that is what humans are for in their minds!!) and we were chatting about this and that. It was just pleasant and relaxing!  I totally recommend everyone just going outside and enjoying this Autumn weather with someone you love!

365 Things to Smile About Day 75. A Beautiful Afternoon

Nothing really special happened today.  It was a regular day with class in the morning and low vision clinic in the late afternoon / evening...which is always a good time:)  But this afternoon was just a beautiful day.  I had to be inside working on some things but through my door I could see beautiful shades of red, orange and yellow on the trees and blue sky with puffy clouds!  Just a very calming and relaxing picture:)

365 Things to Smile About Day 74 A GOO DAY:)

Today was a good day!  I didn't get as much done that I wanted to but I was able to get two very important things accomplished!

First, I was able to get registered for my last three classes for my degree next semester!!  After they finish in April I start my internship in May and when that is done (about 15 weeks later) I will get my diploma!!!!

Second, I turned in the paperwork for my graduation audit, which registers you to graduate!  I am hoping to walk at the ceremony this April and then get my diploma in September.  So, in about 5 months, I will be walking in the graduation ceremony...and there WON'T be a wheel chair in sight!!!  And I won't need someone to hold my arm for balance while I walk across the stage!!  I WILL STILL BE IN REMISSION WITH NO SIGN OF CANCER AND STARTING A WONDERFUL NEW CHAPTER!!  And yes I had to shout that because cancer is a stubborn little b%#&h and doesn't like to listen so you sometimes have to shout to make sure you are understood!

For those wondering...this excitement I'm feeling now goes back to my cancer diagnosis.  The week before finals for my undergrad degree (at the same University I am at now) I was in and out of the ER and then admitted for five days.  I ended up having 5 blood transfusions because of a good amount of blood loss in 5 days.  I also ended up in surgery on the first day of my finals and actually at the same time as my first final!  I was released a day later but was still crazy anemic so I couldn't walk very far or long.  I was given my diagnosis the next day and that pretty much took whatever wind I had left in my sails out!  So three days later when the graduation ceremony came around (all but one teacher gave me passes on my finals) I had to use a wheelchair for the walk in, the walk to and from the stage and the walk out.  And a very kind gentleman walked across the stage with me so I could balance on him.  I was so pumped I kinda flew across that stage (adrenaline is amazing!) and ended up almost stumbling on the ramp off it and was happy to see the wheelchair waiting for me on the other side!!

Anyway, I guess my point is, three years later, I WON'T need a wheel chair!  I WILL walk in and out and across the stage on my own steam!!  That to me is pretty amazing!  And today I took a big step towards that moment!!

365 Things to Smile About Day 72 & 73 Study Guides and Perfect Weather!

Ok, so this could become a little bit of a trend during this semester.  It's a good thing in a way,  It means I am staying busy.  And when I stay busy time passes quicker.  And when time passes quicker school is finished sooner.  And when school is finished sooner I can get to my internship and then, God Willing, a job in my field and FINALLY settle down!  So you see...have to combine two days here and there is in fact good:)  You just have to follow the trail of peanuts that lead to this conclusion.

I think the best thing about yesterday was getting some good work done on my study guide for my certification exam.  I am having to switch up my study plan but thats ok.  I can still get everything studied and my practice test done before I set up my exam date.  Although I am going to have to start that process this week or next week at the latest!  Kinda scary how quickly this exam is coming up!

For today I have to say the weather brought the biggest smile to my face!  It is so beautiful with the sun out and the sky blue and the leaves changing and a cool breeze!!  I had to walk around outside today while doing an assignment for a class and it was so gorgeous out!!!  It made taking the long way around to the library parking lot totally worth it!!  The Fall smell is in the air and the leaves are changing colors on the trees to splash brilliant colors all over the place and also crunching underfoot!  The best time of year is Autumn!!!!

365 Things to Smile About Day 71. Pumpkin Carving!!!

Ever since I was little we always carved pumpkins for Halloween:). Each kid got a small to medium sized pumpkin and then mom and dad got the big family pumpkin!  We would carve our own with the faces we wanted and then each kid got a feature on the family pumpkin to carve any way we wanted. An eye, the nose, half the mouth...and with a big family this pumpkin got detailed!  Ears and even eye brows showed up!  Lol!

Tonight I carved a pumpkin for myself:). It isn't elaborate like the amazing pumpkins you see on Facebook and it isn't funny detailed like the family pumpkin but I'm rather pleased with it:). Carrying on traditions even living on my own is pretty fun!  So now I have a cutely carved pumpkin outside my sliding door and Halloween can come:)

365 Things to Smile About Day 70. Friends.

Friends are wonderful to have and mine are pretty great:). Tonight I had a fun talk with my dear friend Ginny:). 700 miles away and we were chatting and goofing off like we weren't:)

While deep conversations with friends are important I think the silly ones are important too. Or sit there talking and working on things at the same time.   So thank you my dear friend for the conversation tonight and can't wait to see ya'll next month!!!!

2 Years

This post isn't a part of my 365 Things to Smile About blog but that doesn't mean there isn't something to smile about.  Just that this entry is a little more serious and a little more reflective.  Today, Oct. 15, is two years since my last chemo treatment.  That thought alone is a pretty happy and exciting one to have!  But other thoughts come to mind as well and I am learning to acknowledge them, voice them and then try to let them go.  I have been pushing down a lot of thoughts and feelings when it comes to my cancer because I feel like it shouldn't be affecting me anymore and I am afraid that is what other people are thinking too.

The thing is, it is still affecting me.  Maybe not as directly in some ways.  I'm not spending the night hopped up on steroids knowing that a horrible crash off of them and the week long plus feeling of being horribly sick looms before me.  But that memory is still so fresh in my mind.  That feeling of total lack of control, fear, anxiety, not knowing what is going to happen next.  It was a strange feeling two years ago.  I was dreading the recovery and not quite acknowledging how long that was going to take and at the same time I could also see life finally opening up in front of me.  Painfully slowly but it was opening up.  I remember being afraid of moving forward.  Afraid of not being able to and afraid of failing if I tried.  And I was so scared that I wouldn't make it to a happy ending.  That the cancer was never really going to go away.  To be honest, that fear is still with me sometimes.

Despite all that, here I am two years later finishing my last year of grad school and planning to start my internship next summer.  Then, God Willing, a job doing the work I love!  I have been told by my parents and friends that I have come a long way and they can see the difference.  And I can't argue that.  Two years ago my biggest plans were pulling myself out of bed long enough to watch NCIS that week...which didn't happen.  Last year I was getting over an almost three week long bout with the flue because I had pushed too hard and was reorganizing my grad school schedule because of it.  But I was living on my own again and was going to school for a career I have fallen head over heals in love with!  And now this year, I am still in school and learning to pace myself.  I can finally drive the two hours to my parent's house alone.  I couldn't do that this time last year much less two years ago.    I walk a lot more than I use to.  Grateful to have my younger brother encouraging me in a walk challenge we are doing together.  So yeah, I guess if I look back I can see the changes and can see how far I have come.  I just feel like it isn't far enough sometimes.  

I guess part of my struggle is accepting the "new normal" that comes after cancer.  And I have to be honest and add in the menopause too.  I know I am on HRT's which help with some of the symptoms but it doesn't make them go away.  I still get hot flashes (and sometimes cold flashes).  I still have days that no matter what I do I am tired all day long.  I still have problems controlling my emotions.  Aches and pains that come and go in places I never had them before.  And don't get me started on my memory.  Nothing is severe...all minor.  But added up over time it gets very frustrating and I often find myself wondering if it will ever get completely better.  On top of which I have stopped counting the number of times my doctors felt the need to remind me that on top of everything I have gone through that I am not young anymore.  Almost 36 and I am hearing that.  I still can't wrap my mind around that.

Today is just a strange day for me mentally and emotionally.  I am happy that I didn't have to have chemo today and I haven't for two years.  I am sad when I think of what's changed in my life that can't ever change back.  I'm scared of what might happen in the future.  But I am also grateful that I made it through with no complications and am able to be where I am today.  I am grateful for the people who stood by me and supported me and still do today.  And I am determined to do as much as I can in whatever time I have left here.  Short or long, I want to make a difference somehow.   And I don't want to be scared.  I know I can't make all the difficult emotions go away over night but I think that maybe...it's getting a little bit better each year.

So I am looking forward to next year!  Next October 15 I will be done with school, dual certified; a Masters diploma next to my Bachelors on the wall.  I will have a job in my field and starting to hopefully settle down around friends back home in Virginia.  I know God laughs when we make plans but I'm willing to accept it if His plans are different from mine right now.  But until He lets me in on them I think I'll continue in this direction.  Keep moving forward and trust in Him.  Counting each day and making each day count.

365 Things to Smile About Days 68 & 69

Yes, I am doing it again.  I am combining two days into one!  Yesterday was a full day that was non-stop so by the time I got home I was too tired to think, much less type!  But that doesn't mean there wasn't something to smile about yesterday!  In fact I was smiling, laughing and giggling my head off in excitement!!!!

Part of the crazy day included a meeting with the person in charge of setting up our internships this coming summer.  I have been going back and forth between two places and both had a strong list of pros and an equal list of cons.  I was feeling really torn.  When I found out at this meeting that one of the places wouldn't even know if they would have an internship available until the end of January or beginning of February, I found myself torn over having to make a decision!  I didn't want to leave knowing if I had an internship there until halfway through the spring semester and if it fell through I would have to take whatever was left over...which might not have included the other spot I was really interested in.  In the end my advisor stepped in and made the decision for me and I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders and I knew that one was the right choice!  No waiting until February for me!  I am not going to say where the internship will be because it isn't set up yet but we are fairly confident that it won't be a problem:).

Today was also a good day and it started out with a trip to the Battle Creek V.A. for White Cane Day!  Today officially recognizes the White Cane used by millions of people, who are blind or have low vision, around the world to travel!!  The V.A. put on a special event at their blind rehab building where you could go around and talk to the specialists in O and M; VRT; Low Vision Therapy; Technology and everyone's favorite low vision Optometrist, Dr. J! :)  I had a great catch up with the low vision therapist there who is a friend and I haven't seen in months!!  I learned a few more new things about the iPhone's accessibility and got a chance to talk to some great people there!!  It was wonderful morning!

365 Things to Smile About Day 67. A Song That Gets You To Your Feet!!!

I will forever be grateful for Pandora!  I love that I can always find music that fits!  For example when I work out I have music that is up beat and keeps me moving as I push to go further.  Or when I am writing I have calmer music that keeps me focused.  And then there was tonight.

I turned it on and a song came on that brought me to my feet and had me dancing around my living room!!!  All the way through the song I was feeling the music and having fun!  Then the second song came on and I just kept going!  I may not have gotten a long walk in tonight but I am certainly getting my cardio in tonight with all this dancing!!

Dancing gets your heart rate up and your adrenaline pumping!  It makes you feel GREAT and puts you in an awesome mood!!  I use to dance all the time to music while I was cooking or cleaning or just jamming out in my living room...before I got sick.  It was only recently that I started doing it again and I love it!  It gives you an amazing sense of release!

Just remember to close the curtains so you don't totally embarrass yourself in front your neighbors as they walk by!  Lol!!

365 Things to Smile About Day 66. A New Observation

One of the things I'm doing while in school is getting observation hours in for my Low Vision Certification so I can do Low Vision Therapy along with O & M. Today I took another step forward in learning. 

One of the many devices out there to help the visually impaired is called a Biotptic.  It helps people see smaller details at a distance.  It is used in many cases to help people drive. Today I got a chance to start learning how to help people learn how to use the Biotptic. It was pretty cool to see the work in progress and see the excitement and determination that comes from someone regaining a freedom they thought they had lost!  One of the many, many reasons I love my field!!

365 Things to Smile About Days 64 & 65. Yes, I'm cheating!

Ok, I know I'm combining two days in one but yesterday got away from me and so did today!!  So my smile is for the movie I saw yesterday and a peaceful evening at church tonight:)

I went to go see The Martian yesterday with my parents and my younger brother. It was a great movie!!!!!  Well made, great cinematography and the character actors were wonderful!!  And going to see it with family made it that much more fun:)

Tonight, after Mass, I found out my church is starting 40 hours of adoration. So I stayed for Exposition and night prayer and sat there feeling so relaxed and happy. It was quiet and the lights were lowered. My eyes weren't squinting anymore and I just felt peace settle down over me. It felt wonderful:). 

365 Things To Smile About Day 63. Old Friends!

You know those friends that you dont see for years on end and then you finally get together again and it's like you are just picking up where you left off?  That was the experience I had tonight and it was wonderful!!!!!

Elizabeth and I were close friends in high school but went separate ways for college and our lives afterwards. It's been about 15 years or so since we last saw each other and tonight we finally got a chance to get together and reconnect!!!  

Last time we saw each other we were both in college and now I'm in Grad School having finally found a career I love and she is married to a great guy with six beautiful kids!!  Amazing how much has happened to both of us in that time and where our lives have taken us!  But as soon as I saw her at the restaurant I was so happy to have my friend close again!!!!  

It was such a good two hours!  It was the first time I had met her husband and I was so happy to see he is a great person and easy to talk to. Like he has always been there!  Her two youngest kids were there and they were both so adorable!!  It was such a great night:). My dad mentioned when I got home that I looked happy and I have to say...he is absolutely right:). So wonderful to see you again Elizabeth!  Here's hoping it won't be 15 years before we reconnect again!   Love you my friend!!!

365 Things to Smile About Day 62. Totally Relieved!!

One of the classes I am taking is learning how to look at and use research. It uses a language I'm not very familiar with and my logical reasoning isn't always the way it should be to get the correct answer!  Lol!

I had my first exam for the class last week and was more than a bit freaked out as to how I was going to do!  Even with it being open book because it involved a little bit of that analyzing I'm not so good at:). This morning I got a wonderful surprise in my grade!!  96%!!!!! Needless to say I was crazy happy and that translated into getting a lot of chores and homework done!  Lol!  Amazing how a little stress relief can motivate you!!!

365 Things to Smile About Day 61. The Best Line!!!

I am a fan of the tv show Gilmore Girls and was laughing tonight at the memory  of one of the best lines in the movie!  I have to hand it to the writers...they knew how to turn a phrase!!  Sometimes the little memories of a well written explosion of a character is enough to make you break out laughing and get those endorphins going!

"Jerk! Ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat-boy, lowlife, butt-faced miscreant!"

--Gilmore Girls!!

365 Things to Smile About Day 60. Sisters

So today turned into a really rough day. Between waiting for my three month test results and ex boyfriend confusion it was pretty bad. One of those days where you find yourself crying your eyes out uncontrollably.   So I really needed SOMETHING to smile about!  Something to pull me out of all the blah. Enter my oldest sister:).

I have four older sisters, all of whom I love more than anything. My oldest sister is someone I can turn to and just let everything out there. Fears, anxieties, happy, sad...the whole range. And tonight she was there for me and let me talk and helped me understand a few things. And then she made me laugh:). 

My sister is able to pull funny into any conversation and her laugh is infectious!  On top of all of that I remembered I get to see her in a couple weeks for the first time in three years:). So I have plenty to think about to make me smile when the stress and anxiety of today tries to creep back in. :)

365 Things to Smile About Day 59. My Adorable Grand Niece!

Today I saw the cutest thing!!!  My niece Rachel posted her daughters 1 year old pictures and they were beyond ADORABLE!!!!! She has such a cute smile and I'm happy to say I have another blonde niece!!!!  Lol!

As always, on a bad day it takes the simple and wonderful smile of a baby to brighten my day!  That pure innocence smiling at you with beautiful eyes and chubby cheecks!!!  Talk about total love!  My grand niece's smile makes my heart melt and my day 100% better!  Love you little one!!!!

365 Things to Smile About Day 58. Meeting Friends at the Store!

Today I went shopping for my groceries for the week and was waiting at the deli counter for my order and texting a friend when a cart rammed into mine and I hear a guy say "Hey Lady!  Watch out!"  I looked up in shock and caught myself from saying "Excuse me!" when I saw my White Cane instructor standing there laughing at me!  LOL!!!  I hadn't seen him since this summer and it was so nice to catch up!

Incase anyone is wondering, I am learning to teach Orientation and Mobility to blind and visually impaired adults.  Part of what that means is I will be teaching white cane techniques.  So to be able to teach them I had to learn them.  Last fall I spent about 6 hours a week walking around inside and outside under a blindfold with my instructor.  We got along great and usually ended up laughing at the hilarious things that always happen when you are learning a new skill!  So it was really nice "running" into him at the store:).    I like it when you randomly meet a friend when you are out and about doing things!  It just puts a smile on your face as you continue on with your day:).

365 Things to Smile About Day 57. Progress!

Today's is short but makes me happy!!!  I spent three hours working on my study guide for certification today!  I got a lot done and think I'm finally getting on a schedule with it:). Not many people are happy when studying but right now it's exciting for me to be getting ready for this exam!!

365 Things to Smile About Day 56. Gathering Stones

Today I had my three month check up and have about a week or two to hear back about the blood results and test results.  Thinking about that last night and many other things made it impossible to sleep.  So after my 8 am appointment (and a few hours of sleep) I went back to my parents to nap.

After I woke up and got some lunch, I saw my dad outside.  I went out to find he was about to go collect some stones that have been stacked in various places around the yard that were pulled out of the field and garden.  Michigan may be flat but man it has a lot of big rocks in the soil!  Dad is making a stand to go in the corner of mom's raised bed herb garden for a statute.  So I hopped in the car with him and drove around the yard (which is rather large) picking up rocks.  Then we went and drove around the perimeter of the front and back fields just talking and looking at the beautiful land mom and dad own:).   It felt good just being outside and doing something simple, and with dad:).  It was a beautiful day!  Blue sky and a crispness to the air.  Sometimes it's nice to just have some time with your dad and pick up rocks and drive around the field:).  

365 Things to Smile About Day 55. Love My Field!

Today I got to help out at the medical fair for WMU employees!  I was there to talk about the low vision clinic and help do functional acuity checks with Sean, the GA who works at the clinic. 

It was only for about four hours that I was able to help out but any chance totals about vision I'll take!!!!  So from 9am to 1:30pm I had many chances to promote the low vision clinic and talk to people about eye health and answer questions!!! It felt really good to help people and give a little education. It was also great to hear the positive reactions to the clinic and hear about people's experiences going there!!  I seriously have a great field I'm joining!!!