In the Air!

In the Air!
400 feet above the ground in Orlando.

Florida

Florida
Taking my first step towards a new life.

Virginia

Virginia
Spending an afternoon at Marymount during my internship!

My rocks!

My rocks!
Wouldn't be where I am without my parents!

Graduation

Graduation
Walking for my Masters. An interesting book end as this all started when I graduated from undergrad!

Awesome Nurses!

Awesome Nurses!
After my port removal and saying goodbye to my chemo nurses before moving away from Michigan. Wouldn't be doing that without them!

Hair again!

Hair again!
Growing longer each day

Last Chemo

Last Chemo

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Silliness

Silliness
Something to remember and return to. A good day!

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Monday, June 17, 2013

How do you fight fear?

So, there is no reason I should be feeling blech still.  My last surgery was just over four weeks ago.  I understand I still feel the inside stitches since apparently they make them discolve over months now instead of weeks.  But this feeling I can't seem to shake is sticking with me.  The only thing I can figure it being is fear.

I suppose fear is natural in this case, I just never understood before how strong it can be...and how that can affect you physically.  The feeling that you aren't quite right...kinda sticks in your throat and head making you feel not so good...but at the same time not sick or anything.

But how do you make this go away when everything in front of you is more than enough cause for fear?  While I know the port procedure this coming Thursday isn't a very big deal in general...it is a huge deal to me!  Come on people!  They are taking a big needle, wiggeling it under my collar bone and then cutting open my skin!!!!  That is just not natural!!  While I agree that the port is the best way to go given how many times I will have to be stuck in the next 18 weeks, and given my absolute horror of needles, it still scares me!

And then the next week starts chemo.  I know it isn't going to be as bad as what my brother went through (which is my point of reference for everything when it comes to cancer and chemo) it isn't going to be a cake walk either!  So yes, fear is a bit all encompassing right now! 

How do I fight this fear?  I don't want to feel this way for 18 weeks! 

I'm trying to find ways.  I decided last night to view the affects of chemo as the worse morning sickness ever.  I know I will never really experience morning sickness but I have seen enough of it in friends to have an idea that I won't be too far off.  I'm hoping thinking of it that way will help some.  Not as scary I think.

As for the rest, I do pray a lot, and lean on the prayers of friends and family.  And I hug my parents A LOT!  For those few seconds, I can feel totally safe.  I don't care how old I am or how old I get, a parent's hug is still the safest place in the world.

I suppose I have to also just decide that this isn't going to get me.  I have to keep repeating that I am going to beat this thing and the port and chemo won't last forever.  That this is going to keep the cancer from coming back.  That I will live a long and happy life.  This is just a moment in time.  Maybe God is preparing me for something or maybe my life up to this point has been preparing me for this.  I do believe God doesn't give us anything we can't handle.  Which means He has faith in me that I can handle this...no matter how scared I am.  I hope this is how you fight the fear.

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