A few thoughts

As I sit here in my room, listening to my Celtic Women Pandora station, I am feeling a small sense of peace come over me.  It isn't wiping away all the fear and anxiety, but it is helping me relax some.  The walls are a deep, smokey blue and the trees outside the windows are letting in a filtered sunlight that helps give a softness to the room.  The fan is blowing cool air on me and the new pillow I got for my back is cradling my sore muscles in a comfortable way.

Few have been these moments.  But when they come, I appreciate them.  I think some of what has helped was being able to go to Mass yesterday for the first time in over a month.  And afterwards Father Dave gave me the Annotating of the Sick. The fear, anxiety, uncertainty and so on is still there, but I feel better equipped to deal with it all.

I'm slowly learning to take difficult news in stride.  realizing most of the time there is just nothing I can do about it so worrying over it won't do any good.  For example, I found out a test was done that shows I am predisposed genetically to have a reassurance of this cancer.  For a while this thought terrified me.  Then I realized, there is little I can do about that.  And it isn't even a certainty, just a higher probability.  I have to deal with the now.  Thinking of a possible future isn't in the cards right now.  Am I still scared of the possibility?  Absolutely!!!!  I would be an idiot not to be!  But that isn't my focus right now.

My focus right now is to get through chemo with no ER visits and no delays in treatment.  That is all I can do for now.  And that is what I will do.