365 Things To Smile About Day 5 Relaxing!

Today's big smile came around lunch time.  I stopped in to a nail salon to simply get my toes painted before leaving on vacation tomorrow.  I was rather quickly talked in to a full pedicure!  Oh that felt good!!!!!  Nothing makes you smile more than happy feeling feet and a nice massage!!!  Add a natural over sensitivity to being tickled and you quickly move from smiling in relaxed happiness to laughing uncontrollably and scaring the poor guy using the pumas stone on the bottom of your foot!!  I'm just grateful I didn't accidentally kick him!!!

A nice relaxing half hour (minus a couple minutes of laughter boarding on snorting!) was just the right thing!!!  Because the rest of the day is being spent doing laundry, cleaning and packing!  Vacation starts tomorrow and I took a short time to start my fun and relaxation today!  Ladies, need just one simple thing to make you feel better on a bad day?  Get a pedicure!  It will definitely put a smile on your face!

365 Things To Smile About Day 4 Hitting 100!!

Since last March I have been working on accruing observation hours at the Low Vision Clinic near my home for my Low Vision Certification.  It's a slow process as there is generally hours only available one night a week.  I need a total of 350 hours to be certified and as of tonight...I have surpassed 100 hours!!!!!  I was doing the happy dance tonight!!!!

On top of this, I was able to get a new pair of sunglasses that are tinted nice and dark, are polarized and fit over my glasses!  Plus they look really cute!!  While this might not seem something to make a person smile like crazy, and perhaps giggle like a kid at Christmas for a moment, you have to understand that these were really important for me to get!  I have always had very light sensitive eyes.  I noticed after chemo they have become even more light sensitive, and that is not easing up.  My current prescription sunglasses are no longer dark enough and the pain of photophobia can be pretty intense!!  So these glasses are a wonderful thing to get and I am sending out a lot of thanks and hugs to my fellow Low Vision Clinic peeps for encouraging me to get them!

So two big things to smile about today!!  I have surpassed 100 hours towards my low vision certification AND I have cute sunglasses so I can enjoy being outside more!!!!

365 Things To Smile About Day 3 A Step Forward!

Today I have printed my study guide for my COMS Certifucation exam in Orientation and Mobility!  One may ask why I'm smiling over studying for an exam.  This test is a huge step forward in my career!  

When I was a few months out of chemo I found this field (Blindness and Low Vision) and fell in love with it for so many reasons!!!  One of them being it gave me direction, a drive to move forward. A reason to get out of bed and push on. I have two more semesters of classes and an internship. If I can pass this test before that's done I will hit the ground running once my internship is over.   I can get down to the business of helping others and giving back to the men and women who served our country by hopefully working for the V.A.  

This study guide, while daunting, puts a HUGE smile on my face!!  It's another step.  Another step away from cancer and chemo.  Another step towards a future that I can't wait to pour myself in to. A future. Just that thought puts a smile on my face.  :) 😊😊

365 Things to Smile About Day 2 Baby's Smiles

So today has turned out to be a sleepy day, and not for lack of trying to get up and go.  One of the lovely side affects of chemo is a set of VERY sensitive sinuses!  Guess what folks, a low or a high is coming to West Michigan!  I can't tell you which and I can't tell you when but I can definitely tell you it is coming!  I ended up curled up on the couch sound asleep in the late afternoon and woke up somehow with my head even more tight!  Can we say sinus meds after dinner?!  Too strong for an empty stomach.

Anyway, I have been trying to keep doing things that are positive and smile worthy.  I'm working on my latest knitting project.  And by knitting project I mean a one color afghan done only in the knit stitch because I keep forgetting to knit and pearl different rows!  I was sitting at my computer after my impromptu nap wondering what I could write here.  Then I remembered church this morning and found myself smiling.

My church is nearing the end of a renovation and Mass has been held for several weeks in the church hall while floors and pews have been replaced.  It has made for cozy mass times as it is a fraction of the size of the church.  Because I always get too hot and then claustrophobic I try to sit by the one entrance to the hall.  This way I on occasion catch a breeze.  I also see everyone who comes in (and learned today there is no way to unobtrusively enter when the consecration is beginning.  Especially when you are a big family.  Not sure if they had car problems but man I felt bad for them trying to find a seat and trying to be invisible while doing it!)   Before Mass started however, I saw a mom walk in, and back out, and back in again with the cutest little boy in her arms who was under a year old.  Anyway, each time they walked by me, the little boy was smiling and pointing at something.  When they came back in, he looked at me and gave a small smile and pointed at me.  It was really a very small thing but every time I think about it today, I honestly find myself smiling and even laughing a little bit!  Who is able to resist the smiles of a baby, especially when that smile and attention is directed at you?!

So for today, since it has made me smile many times already, I am counting this small moment as my daily thing to smile about!  And adding to it the second Bingo page of things to do my best friend made and sent me to play that game with.  I do believe she visited the Kalamazoo Events page because there are quite a few local festivals on it!  So a baby's smiles and a friends encouragement from over seas has made my day 2 a success!

365 Things to Smile About Day 1

So, starting out small but with satisfaction:). Day 1 I finished 6 placemats I started about a year ago. They came out looking great and now I have some wedding presents to give!  Lol!

I've also started knitting another afghan today and I'll try to finish it in less than a year this time!  

A friend of mine also gave me a bingo board with things to do. I'll post a picture when I get my first Bingo:). The idea is to fill the whole board:)

So, first day was good:). I've been sewing and knitting today and loving it!!  Definitely something to smile about:)

A New Idea

Ok, so it has been a few months since I wrote on here.  Classes have kept me pre-occupied all the way through July.  But to be honest, so has not wanting to face some things.  It has been almost two years since i finished chemo I thought by now that whole chapter in my life would simply be a memory and a distant one at that.  Here is the thing.  This spring I started fighting feeling sad and tired a lot.  I watched all my classmates go through the graduation ceremony and off to internships and couldn't help but be frustrated that I couldn't be a part of that.  I know the decision I made to split my program into two years was the right decision, it still remains a very difficult one.

This summer I finished two of my incomplete classes I had to take last fall and while it feels good that I was able to get them done, I am seeing now it was also me trying to not deal with how I am feeling.  I have never really cared for living in Kalamazoo, even in undergrad before this all started.  Living here now is just a constant reminder of everything that happened.  And I can't help but think that in April I will be experiencing some serious de ja vu.  There is something about being here that physically and emotionally pulls me down.  Actually, almost anywhere in Michigan makes me feel this way.  I don't want to feel this way because I have my parents and brothers and nieces and nephews living here.  I want to be able to spend time with them and be happy.  It's just so hard sometimes because something always makes me think of the cancer and the surgeries and the hospitals and the chemo.  In small doses it doesn't bother me.  But when it is all around me, it gets difficult.  I still have my body reminding me of everything still.  I am doing so much better than I was a year ago but I still see the limitations I am hitting and that is frustrating.

I realized today that these emotions and frustrations and memories were bringing me to the point where I have more days than I care to count sitting on my couch watching TV or playing games on my phone.  Not trying to interact with the world outside my apartment unless I had to.  Shopping, church, bill paying.  Nothing that really brought me out of myself.

This morning I found a Facebook page on a cancer survivor page about two women basically living up life for a year.  Doing new things, big or small, every day.
https://www.facebook.com/lifeitup365?fref=ts
I liked the idea of doing something different each day and talking about it.  I wouldn't do it exactly the same way but something similar.  I had a professor when I first started college (who has since become a close friend) who told me one way to combat homesickness (or in this case depression) was to find one thing each day to laugh about.  Even if it was a memory.  If you laugh at least once a day you can't stay sad all the time.  It makes life that much easier and brighter.  It was an idea I tried when I was in chemo and it really helped.  But I let go of it when I started school and I think that was a mistake.

What I want to try to do then is each day to do something or learn something that makes me smile.  It can be as big as crossing something off of my bucket list to as small as finding a new place to go for a walk.  And to keep me honest, share what that thing is every day.  I'm sure I'll come up with some corny name for it like "365 Things To Smile About".  Actually...I kinda like that.  Anyway, it is something that will keep me moving and smiling for the rest of the time I am in Kalamazoo and into my internship...where ever that might be.  And writing about it will keep me accountable for it. So here goes.  I better get moving and figure out what today's will be.:)

Nothing Has Changed and Yet Everything Has Changed.

So I realized that I haven't written on here since last May.  A lot has happened since then.  I moved back in to my own place back in Kalamazoo and started Graduate school.  I learned a few weeks in to the semester that perhaps taking 18 graduate credits less than a year after chemo was not the brightest idea in the world. After laying in bed for two weeks with a combination of the flu and complete exhaustion I had a talk with my advisor and eased up on my credits and extended my program to two years.

Last semester was an eye opener for me.  First of all, my brain is still scrambled from the chemical bath it took for three and a half months.  Not as bad as it had been but still not good.  I also discovered that my learning style has changed quite a bit!!  On top of that, my eyes are acting differently now.  Nothing has changed with them really but they get tired so much easier now!  Very frustrating!  My sensitivity to light and also specific kinds of lights has gone up a ridiculous amount and I am learning new ways to deal with that.  Explain to me why every public building in the world has florescent lights???!!!  Add to all of this that while I am now on HRT's, the symptoms of menopause have not gone away completely.  Exhaustion still hits when I push to do new things like get up at 6:30 in the morning and head in to Practicum.  I love what I am learning there and am really excited about this semester, but I am also back to taking naps in the afternoon!!  The lovely bursts of heat and cold are still coming, although in all fairness not as often.

I guess I was hoping once I got back into the real world, all of these things would disappear.  I've managed to have three clear CT scans and my three month exams come out normal each time so far. I was hoping that these good results would be the magic wand that made all the residual effects disappear.  But you know what?  I'm exhausted every day.  I toss and turn many nights trying to sleep or trying to get cool or warm up.  I sit in class feeling like an idiot sometimes unable to get the words I know to be the right answer to come out.  I still get indescribably terrified whenever I have to see a doctor.  Every time a friend of mine gets pregnant or has a baby I have this mixed feeling of being so happy for them and wanting to just curl up and cry.  Oddly enough, the safest place for me, for a few minutes, is when I walk back into the infusion room where I had chemo and see my nurses.  When I am there and see them, for those few minutes I can actually see the progress I've made through their eyes.  I can relax and let go of being strong for a few minutes.  And when I'm able to do that, I feel this incredible relief!  I don't cry, I don't freak out.  I'm actually laughing the whole time I'm there!!  After that visit I feel like I can go back out and keep moving forward.

Despite everything that hasn't changed, so much has changed!  I have to remember that.  I can do so much more than I could this time last year!  I don't require a wheel chair to get through an airport anymore!  I have hair on my head again and it looks halfway decent:).  My wig is permanently put away!  I can read more and actually retain most of what I read!  I can talk on the phone and not become exhausted after only a few minutes of conversation!  I got a 3.90 GPA my first semester back in school!  I'm getting up early in the morning and going to what is basically a part time job while also going to classes and doing the required home work.  I am actually planning a future in a career that means a great deal to me personally!    So many really good things are going for me in all parts of my life.    I am meeting wonderful people in my program and gaining new experiences every day.  And actually, more often then not I am really happy!  

I think that is the biggest change.  I'm happy again.  Sure, there are moments when I get discouraged and anxious and scared.  I don't think those will ever go away completely.  But then I walk into my classroom building on campus and see a classmate wave me over to the table everyone is sitting at or I get a call from a friend who has a unique ability to make me laugh no matter how bad I feel.  Or I get a text message that makes me smile and I can put everything bad behind me and just be happy.  I think that is the most important change, being able to be happy with the life you are now leading.