Feet Back Under Me: Different Doesn’t Mean Easy or Lucky

From my own personal experience and from reading posts from many different people I am starting to see people, who have had cancer and who haven’t , almost catogorize what level of good or bad you went through because it was different. I have two experiences that show two different ways people did not think before they spoke.

1.  I am fairly open about my cancer and what kind I have. Often people ask me for the kind of cancer after they find out I have had it. I was in a group of college students when this came up and I said I had Endometrial Cancer and explained it was a form of uterine cancer. One person actually told me that I was lucky it wasn’t breast cancer or something. No one in this group of people seemed to understand just how out of line that statement was.  What was lucky about this?  Was I lucky that I was bleeding so much that in less than a week I had 5 units of blood given to me?  Was I lucky to be told that I would never be able to have my own kids?  Was I lucky that I was thrown into surgical
Menopause at the age of 33?  Perhaps I was lucky to have had to go through 6 rounds of chemo therapy. Maybe I was lucky to have to spend a minimum of a week on my back after each treatment because I was too tired to move which was ok since moving made me want to throw up the tiny bit of food and drink I had managed to swallow. Perhaps I was lucky that I lost all of my hair?  Maybe I was lucky that 5 and a half years later I still can’t drive from Virginia to Michigan because it wipes me out to the point of shaking I’m so tired and my eyes go all blurry from exhaustion?   Doesn’t sound very lucky to me.

2.  As mentioned above, one of the things I’m apparently “lucky” to have experienced in a cancer other than breast cancer is infertility. In a very misguided attempt to try to make me feel better about this daily struggle a complete stranger who over heard a conversation I was having with a friend on the phone felt it was her responsibility to make me feel better. She leaned over after I hung up (I was in a coffee shop) and informed me that the bright side of not being able to have kids is I can spend more time for myself and not have to constantly be thinking about someone else. Also, according to her, if I really wanted to have a kid someday I could adopt.   From a complete stranger!  I was in shock!!  Let’s see, spend more time on me when all I have ever wanted more than anything was to be a mother. And yes, let me dip into my savings and pull out about $20 to $30 grand to start the adoption process. Because the average single woman just has that kind of money laying around. And let’s completely ignore the struggle of accepting this complete and total reversal of what you had hoped and prayed for your life to be.

Now, perhaps these people don’t hear their own words. Maybe they honestly think they are giving up happy news or sage advice. I don’t know. But I do know this kind of unthought and sometimes unsolicited advice isn’t just something cancer survivors have to deal with. Anyone who is going through something painfully difficult will find themselves the recipient of these “helpful” words. From miscarriages to chronic health conditions to loosing family members to being separated from loved ones due to military deployments or multiple work trips. I am begging everyon, no matter who you are to the person you are talking to...take two seconds and ask if these words are perhaps the best way to express yourself.   Too often I have found myself staring in shock at people and unable to form words. Or sometimes just trying to smile and shrug it off because I don’t have the emotional energy to engage at that moment. It isn’t our sole responsibility to kindly and gently correct someone that their words are in fact like daggers to the heart. Let’s all be aware how our words affect others.

That all being said, I really don’t want to end this post on a negative note so I want to look at all the things I am blessed with after going through this experience.
1. I am blessed to have deepened my Faith.
2.  I am blessed that I found a direction in life that lead me to a field of work that I love!
3. I am blessed that I was able to work through some of the pain of not having children and found a love for fostering.
4.  I am blessed by the people I meant along my journey and that I continue to meet and be inspired by and learn from.
5.  I am blessed to have my family and close friends encourage me and be there for me when I’m laughing and when I’m crying.
6.  I am blessed that even though my energy isn’t the same, each year I am doing more and more and pushing back that wall of exhaustion.
7.  I am blessed that in a few minutes I’ll finish up my lunch break and dive back into my job and look forward to the many fun things I have planned to do...because I CAN!