Feet Back Under Me: Unexpected

Today has been a different kind of day. And not for any of the reasons I thought it would be.  For a while now, I have been encouraged to consider genetic counseling and genetic testing.  I really fought this for a long time.  It was something that in my mind only held bad news.  That something terrible was going to be found.  That out of this test I would only hear devastating words.  In my mind nothing good could come out of this.

It is crazy how you can build something up so much that it becomes this menacing, faceless thing that no one else seems to understand will crush you.  You find yourself unable to face it and all you want to do is run away.  It's like this every time genetic counseling or testing was brought up to me until one day this week...it wasn't.  As the doctor talked about it I waited for the anxiety to build uncontrollably and become overwhelming.  But all I could think was...my sister was right.  I needed to face this.  And I was finally ready to face this.

Since I was diagnosed I have had severe anxiety whenever I had to go to the doctor's office.  I don't think I have ever gotten a normal blood pressure reading at any visit!  My coping mechanism was to act like it was no big deal to most people, but my parents can fully attest that this is a very thin façade.  However, since moving out of Michigan and getting to where I am now, I have had to learn to go to the doctor's alone.  No buffer to reach out to and touch and ground myself.  I had to do that job on my own.  And I am pretty bad at it.  At 39 I am not ashamed to say that I call my parents on a pretty regular basis and more so when I have to see a doctor.

I was at the oncologist's office for the first time in a few years this week to check up on two years of irregular cells found on my annual tests.  And oddly enough, through the anxiety and fear that is a constant companion when I am at any doctor's office lately, I found myself not just acting calm...but starting to feel calm.  I felt like for the first time in a long time that this part of my life was going to be ok.  That I had doctors who I could trust and I knew understood what has happened and what I was going through every day since then.  That the nightmare was in fact not waiting around the corner to grab me again.  And  when genetic counseling was gently suggested and explained, I found myself actually wanting those answers.  No trumpets heralded this total Mentanoa.  It was this gentle shift from acting like I can handle this alone to actually being able to handle this but not feeling completely alone.

And so today I met with the genetic counselor who explained the scary monster and suddenly it wasn't so scary.  It was science.  It was order and made sense.  It was almost reassuring how the process works and what they look for and why they look for specific things.  It is like making a plan and feeling like someone who knows has your back.  It's everything I feel when I step into my church and come face to face with God.  Its realizing that in this science and order is the same reassuring God Who is in my church, my soul and in my faith.  He has always been there beside me and I have always felt Him there.  But tonight, thinking back on the afternoon, I realize that He isn't just there to be that comfort...He is handing me all the strength I need to live my life and to take care of myself.  To not be afraid of what I don't know.  And to not live in fear of what might happen.

My dad is always telling me that life is what happens when you are busy planning.  This doesn't mean not to plan but rather, live your life every day.  And today that included taking a trip from the second floor of the cancer center to the first floor and breathing through a blood draw and then letting it go for four weeks.  Tonight it meant watching a movie and tomorrow it means going to a beeping Easter Egg hunt.  In four weeks it will mean to create a plan to make sure my doctors and I are keeping an eye on the right things, and then go home and prepare for my respite foster kiddos.  And who knows what else the future holds.  I know I will be afraid and anxious still sometimes but today I let go of that and it felt good.