In the Air!

In the Air!
400 feet above the ground in Orlando.

Florida

Florida
Taking my first step towards a new life.

Virginia

Virginia
Spending an afternoon at Marymount during my internship!

My rocks!

My rocks!
Wouldn't be where I am without my parents!

Graduation

Graduation
Walking for my Masters. An interesting book end as this all started when I graduated from undergrad!

Awesome Nurses!

Awesome Nurses!
After my port removal and saying goodbye to my chemo nurses before moving away from Michigan. Wouldn't be doing that without them!

Hair again!

Hair again!
Growing longer each day

Last Chemo

Last Chemo

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Silliness

Silliness
Something to remember and return to. A good day!

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Sunday, October 16, 2016

My New Normal Day 59. Post It Notes & Apps!

As I sat at my desk tonight thinking of what to write about, I glanced to the right and shook my head in frustration.  I bought my grand niece a little Minnie Mouse doll when I got down here because she is a big fan.  That was back in August and I still haven't remembered to mail it!!  I did get as far as picking up a priority mail box (that I think is just a little too small!) but that was over a month ago!

I am daily amazed at how my memory has become somewhat of a swiss cheese when it comes to some things!  I can remember the oddest things but unless I start to implement my post it note system at home I fear Minnie Mouse shall be decorating my desk for a long time!

I have found that if I physically write something down on a post it note and put it at eye level on my desk, I will remember to do the thing written on the note.  I am also working on the habit of using the Reminder app on my phone as well but so far post it notes get the quickest response still.

My frustration level of these memory problems can sometimes hit some pretty epic heights!  Three years later and I am still fighting the after affects.  I logically know that this is going to be a life long fight for me.  However, the emotional side of my brain is getting angry at itself for having to deal with it.  It doesn't help when people make gentle reminders that three years is a long time and I should have this figured out by now or that since I don't have the chemicals in me anymore than everything should be back to normal.  That makes me want to scream because the emotional side of me wants to agree with them and the logical side is just shaking it's head and saying "Never gonna happen."

I think that is one of the \biggest struggles I have these days.  I have gained back a lot of my stamina and energy.  And the adrenaline from loving my job always gives me a shot in the arm.  But this whole blog this year is me trying to understand and realize that what is normal for me now isn't necessarily what was normal for me before.  If I am having a difficult time figuring that out I am sure it confuses someone who has never experienced this.    That being said, I sometimes wonder if the people around me could understand and just accept how difficult this is and maybe not be overly cheerful and "encouraging" me to just keep pushing forward, maybe it would be easier?

I guess what I am saying is, this is hard enough for me to accept and learn to live with as it is and I think it would be easier if I wasn't constantly questioning myself because of comments made to me by people who think I'm just not trying hard enough, or think I am trying to garner sympathy or live in the past or who believe because there are no more symptoms than that must mean that all side effects are gone too.  All of these reactions coming at me make me constantly questions myself.  Which then makes dealing with these after affects that WON'T go away even harder.

But, I am trying!  And part of that means papering my desks with post it notes and setting reminders on my phone.  And when I am presented with a well meaning but very unhelpful and hurtful comment, I need to try to take a breath and not let the stress and anger and frustration flair up.  It does that on it's own whenever I forget something!  I need to remember all the people around me who do understand and don't push me but rather encourage me and help me find my way.  Like one of my brothers telling me tonight that he has noticed just how much stronger I am and how much more I am doing now in a very encouraging and loving way!  He didn't say, "See!  It's all over!"  But rather "Look at how far you have come!"



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