Feet Back Under Me: Why Am I Still Counting??

For a year I wrote a blog entitled 365 Things To Smile About during a particularly difficult time a couple years ago.  It made sense to count as I wanted to post every day something that made me smile and pulled me out of my worries, frustrations and stress.  Before that I would have countdowns on calendars until I went on trips or countdowns to finish chemo.  It helped me get to a destination.  A concrete place in time.

Tonight I was thinking about what I was going to write and I actually felt stressed out!  Lol!  Which blew my mind as this blog is supposed to be a way for me to relax and an outlet.  It isn't a count down for anything.  Then I realized that right now, there is no more need for a count down to a better time in my life.  It's just life.  Sure, I am probably going to continue to set myself goals to meet because I always want to be doing more in my life.  But not frantic goals and not anything that requires a countdown.

Its real day to day life now.  And I will be honest...that feels a little scary.  I know that sounds odd but its true.  I have been going at such a pace since I was diagnosed.  I felt the only way I could get through things was in part through counting the days.  Putting another day BEHIND me.  Now, it's looking forward to the next day with a positive outlook.  Yes, I am going to have those scary doctors appointments still.  In fact, I have one this week.  But it isn't as scary now.    My imagination of course takes flight whenever I have to see a doctor.  I think we all have that experience.  But that is a different kind of scary.  

The scariness of day to day life with no need to count the days and put them behind me is because I dare to have real, honest hope again that I won't have to go back to putting days behind me.  I don't know how to explain it honestly other than I feel like if I can stop counting things I can start really living in the present with an optimistic eye to the future.  The fear was always getting a career or relationship and then having to leave them all.  Except, that isn't a part of my every day life anymore. So I am going to stop counting things unless it is an amazing countdown!  Like a countdown to adopting or a countdown to getting married.   Neither of which is on the horizon right now but...you never know!

So I am altering a little of this blog to stop counting the days and just living the days and writing my thoughts and experiences.  I feel like theses blog series kind of change with me.  Maybe some day I can look back and see a good progression and hopefully a good story too!