Feeling Good!

Virginia

Virginia
Spending an afternoon at Marymount during my internship!

My rocks!

My rocks!
Wouldn't be where I am without my parents!

Graduation

Graduation
Walking for my Masters. An interesting book end as this all started when I graduated from undergrad!

Awesome Nurses!

Awesome Nurses!
After my port removal and saying goodbye to my chemo nurses before moving away from Michigan. Wouldn't be doing that without them!

Last Chemo

Last Chemo

Silliness

Silliness
Something to remember and return to. A good day!

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Feet Back Under Me. Day 1: I Think I Can Stop Running

In looking back over the many blog posts I have written, and the truncated blog series I entitled "My New Normal" I saw something.  I saw myself running away from cancer.  And honestly, who wouldn't?  I don't think I fully realized how full tilt I was running until a little bit ago.  A few things just clicked.

I recently moved back home to Virginia from spending just over a year working in Florida.  I started a new job in the same field in a small town tucked away in the Blue Ridge.  I have been here for almost four months now.  Almost immediately after moving here, I felt this giant weight lift off my shoulders.  I felt like I was finally standing strait again.  For the first time in over a year I had all my belongings out of storage and around me.  I have a 2 bedroom townhouse where I feel like I can relax when I get home.  I actually think of it as home without flinching.  I feel like I can breath again.  I never fully realized or acknowledged just how suffocated and depressed I have felt over the past five years.  The first year fighting the cancer and then four years of running full tilt away from everything that could pull me backwards into that miserable, terrifying time in my life.  I decided I was going full steam ahead and nothing was going to get in my way.  I ran so fast and so hard, always moving the goal post as soon as I caught up with it.

One of the things that is helping me stop running was first and foremost, my realization that I was still running...even after finally getting home.  I found myself talking to my parents as I was skimming through the requirements to take the LSAT and looking into a local university's law school!  I had a logical reason for looking into this but after hanging up the phone from talking to my mom and dad I sat there looking at the webpage describing LSAT study groups in the area and wondered what on earth I was pushing myself so hard for again!  And then it started clicking with a comment my mom had made not too long before.

Something my friends and family have agreed on is just how happy I finally sound since moving back to Virginia.  My mom told me that it sounded like I finally had my feet back under me for the first time since before I was sick.  That I was finally where I wanted to be with my whole heart and doing what I love doing every day.  And thus my most recent corny blog title was born!  And I started putting things together.  That I had been running for so long from what happened to me that I instinctively grabbed on to things that would keep that break neck momentum going, like taking the LSATs!

It finally all clicked into place the other week when I went on a hike around the top of a pass.  There was an opening at the top that looked out over several ridges of mountains tinted in the many hues of blues and grays that color the Blue Ridge and give it it's name.  I stood there, just letting the gentle, quiet sounds of the wind in the pine trees and the breathtaking view just wash over me.  And in that quiet, peaceful moment, I realized I didn't have to run anymore.  That I had beat my cancer over four years ago now and couldn't spend my whole life running away from it.

I have told myself countless times that I just wanted to live my life full and happy.  And I know I had those moments over the past years.  But always, always was this urgency inside me to keep moving forward!  To keep pushing myself!  To not slow down or that terrifying beast that I KO'd was going to get up off the matt and come after me again.  I think that fear is always going to be in the back of my mind.  But that doesn't mean I have to keep running...it means I should slow down and keep on living.  Stop planning every small move and thinking I can't move forward unless things go a certain way.

And so, I am going to try very hard to make myself slow down.  To keep my feet under me and walk through my life, however long it is, and make sure that I always find things to smile about and do what I can to help others and help myself.

So, I thought I would go back to my first love again, writing.  Each day talk about the things I am doing to live my life and move through the world and be happy.  Look back and see how I can draw lessons to help me stay walking instead of sprinting.  Maybe find a way to deal with everything that was a consequence of the cancer and not let it overwhelm me so much.  I don't know.  I feel like this series will evolve on it's own but the title will be a daily reminder to me for the next year that I am ok and don't need to run anymore.  And hopefully, now that I have stopped running, I will have more and more of those times like at the top of the mountain pass where I let that peace and happiness just be a part of me.  Instead of pushing and pushing myself towards one goal and another and another without looking over my shoulder, I will try to just let life happen, and enjoy what comes along the way this year.  Care to join me?


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