I Want My Hair Back

I know this sounds incredibly vain, but I want my hair back!  I actually almost started crying looking at a picture of me with my long hair a couple days ago.  I have beautiful scarves, hats, a wig and bangs to put under the scarves.  And they are wonderful and I am so thankful to the people who have given them to me.  But I think I need to take a few minutes and just talk about hair and how the lack of it can affect a person!

It may sound silly.  But for a woman, her hair is a bigger part of who she is than you might think!  It certainly is a bigger part of me than I was aware of!  I'm actually coming to the point where I don't like looking at myself in the mirror.  It just makes me sad!  The craziest thoughts go through my mind when I see my head with a sparse, almost white, fuzz on top, that sticks strait up by the way!  Like, what man is going to look at me looking like this?!  Forget about the cancer, which is a whole other issue that a man would have to deal with, the bald look isn't working for me!  And I have no idea what color or texture it will come back in with when it finally does come back!  I have nightmares of it NOT coming back in and I have to rely on scarves, hats and wigs for the rest of my life!  That is not a reminder of this time I want to deal with!

I know I am looking at things not in the most positive light with this.  I know, logically, that this too will pass.  That my hair will grow back (fingers crossed it grows back as it was before!) and that someday I will meet a man who can handle what I'm dealing with.  Doctors appointments and CT scans for the rest of my life.  No biological children.  And the possibility of a recurrence.  And the crazy thing is, this is what jumps into my mind every time I look in the mirror and see a bald head!

I know I am not the only one who is dealing with this.  And to be honest, I also work on not letting it take over.  Yes, it gets to me...a lot of things do...but I know I have to work hard to not let it take over.  I do notice that as I slowly loose weight, the lack of hair accentuates my high cheek bones that are starting to show as my face becomes less round:).  Call my crazy, but I feel like my eyes are actually bluer!  And, I finally look good in a fedora:)  Granted, I think the hot pinkness of the hat helps but the no hair makes it fit better:)

I guess what I am trying to say is that while I work very hard every day to stay positive and fight this...it isn't a guaranteed win every minute of the day.  It is just too hard to be that way.  But, after I wipe the tears away and take a deep breath, I fill my head with all the good things around me.  My parents unending support and love.  My sister-in-law and her never ending support and drive to make me look my best!  My bother's and sister's phone calls and text messages to make sure I'm ok and talk about silly and every day things.  My niece Rachel always giving me encouragement and trusting that I am stronger than I think I am:).  All my family, being there for me in their own way and my friends praying so hard for me!  I am very blessed, I know.  And I am grateful for that every day because that strength and those prayers hold me up.  But honestly...I can't help saying it...I want my hair back!