Feet Back Under Me: Scary and Sad Moments

It has been a while since I have written.  Some of that time has just simply been filled with every day life.  But some of that time was also filled with a terrifying doctor's visit and personal sadness.  I needed some time to process and I am certainly not done processing and dealing with it all but I am to the point where I think writing will help me.

A week ago I had a follow up visit with my doctor due to an abnormal pap.  My first one since cancer by the way.  What I was told over the phone by a nurse or someone making the appointment was that I had one thing (not cancer) and that freaked me out.  I won't go into details.  Suffice to say it gave me more than a few restless nights and I did everything I could to not think about it because it seemed impossible.  Turns out I was right.  It was impossible.  I was given the wrong information over the phone.  The doctor was in fact having me come in because the abnormal cells that were found were low grade cells.  Meaning if they found more that day during the closer exam they would be considered high grade cells and that would have been a one way ticket to an oncologist.

When this was explained to me as I sat on the exam table I will be honest...I started crying and then started to try to stop myself from crying which resulted in painful hiccups and sounding like a lunatic trying to ask questions and not being able to think or see strait.  I freely admit, at 38, I wanted my mom!  The doctor was very kind and understanding and consoling.  She told me to let her do the exam and after that there would be a clearer picture and more information.  Probably the longest five minutes I have experienced in a long time.  A million things flew through my brain.  A thousand possibilities and outcomes crowded the space and it felt like, for those five minutes, my world was crashing down around my head again.  Praise God she did not find anymore abnormal cells in the exam!  All clear for one more year!  It took most of the rest of the day to bring my blood pressure down but I was relieved and also a little numb as well as terrified.  But as I said I have been processing that experience and working through it.

Another thing that happened last week was a realization that had been growing inside me that you can love somebody with your whole heart and want them to be the one and still realize that as much as you want that, you see there are just too many fundamental differences between you.  At which point, continuing on would not have been fair.  I know that for me it was the right choice but it was certainly not an easy one.  And he is in my prayers every day.

So last week was a one, two punch.  But I have been praying a lot more and entrusting everything into God's hands as well as leaning on two good friends.  It is all hard to articulate.  It is this painful feeling of missing someone I loved but have to let go to be fair to them and me, as well as trying to not let those terrifying memories of cancer overwhelm.  It's about remembering that I am ok and there were no cancer cells.  I think it is also about praying and focusing on the future and deciding to keep moving and not let my feet be knocked out from under me again.  I don't know where my personal path will lead to right now but I am holding on pretty tight to Jesus at the moment.  So I am asking for some prayers please and assuring you all of my own prayers!