In the Air!

In the Air!
400 feet above the ground in Orlando.

Florida

Florida
Taking my first step towards a new life.

Virginia

Virginia
Spending an afternoon at Marymount during my internship!

My rocks!

My rocks!
Wouldn't be where I am without my parents!

Graduation

Graduation
Walking for my Masters. An interesting book end as this all started when I graduated from undergrad!

Awesome Nurses!

Awesome Nurses!
After my port removal and saying goodbye to my chemo nurses before moving away from Michigan. Wouldn't be doing that without them!

Hair again!

Hair again!
Growing longer each day

Last Chemo

Last Chemo

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Silliness

Silliness
Something to remember and return to. A good day!

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Thursday, March 13, 2014

Port Flush Time…Ports Are…Something.

Once a month (or so) I head into the cancer center to get my port flushed.  Pretty much they inject stuff into the port to clean it.  The term Port Flush always makes me think of car issues!  Engine Flush, transmit ion flush…port flush somehow sound alike it should fit in!

I don't mind port flushes.  Just one poke into the port…and I have my topical numbing juice over the port right now doing it's thing.  Yet I am still terrified of needles!  I can hold it in better but that doesn't mean it is anywhere close to gone.  One would think with all the needles I have had to deal with I would not even think about it.  That logic never made sense to me.  If you have an irrational fear (which is what a phobia is) just because you are facing that irrational fear a lot more doesn't make it lessen.  You get better at accepting that there isn't much you can do about it but you don't loose the fear.

I remember last year I was trying to find ways to not have the port put in because all I could focus on was the fact that I would have to have another surgery…and this time I would be awake!  They call it a procedure but if they have to cut you open, put something in and then sew you back up…I call that surgery!  I was so focused about that process I wasn't thinking of what it would be like if I hadn't gotten the port.  I shudder to think the number of times veins would have to be dug for…a task that would get harder as chemo proceeded.  In hind sight, I am glad I was guided back around to the port.

I won't say I am use to having the port in me but I have come to accept it.  With the accept ion of CT scans…it is handy to have around for doctor visits…especially when they want my blood…which has decreased in number but still come!  It still bugs me when I lay on it in a certain way.  Or when I am in a lower cut shirt around people I don't know that well.  At that point I am VERY aware that my really pale skin makes my scar and the port stand out quite a bit.  I have developed a twisted sense of humor in situations like that sometimes.  I'll explain what the gray bump is and then point out how you can feel the catheter near where it goes into the vein.  It's so weird that I feel like one of the ways I deal with is addressing the thing that some people either keep looking at or avoid looking at.  I could just wear higher cut shirts…and sometimes I do…but they make my skin itch over the port.  So I have to make a choice sometimes.  Physical comfort or emotional comfort.  My own personal, constant reminder of everything thats happened and still happening.

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