Feet Back Under Me: Different Doesn’t Mean Easy or Lucky

From my own personal experience and from reading posts from many different people I am starting to see people, who have had cancer and who haven’t , almost catogorize what level of good or bad you went through because it was different. I have two experiences that show two different ways people did not think before they spoke.

1.  I am fairly open about my cancer and what kind I have. Often people ask me for the kind of cancer after they find out I have had it. I was in a group of college students when this came up and I said I had Endometrial Cancer and explained it was a form of uterine cancer. One person actually told me that I was lucky it wasn’t breast cancer or something. No one in this group of people seemed to understand just how out of line that statement was.  What was lucky about this?  Was I lucky that I was bleeding so much that in less than a week I had 5 units of blood given to me?  Was I lucky to be told that I would never be able to have my own kids?  Was I lucky that I was thrown into surgical
Menopause at the age of 33?  Perhaps I was lucky to have had to go through 6 rounds of chemo therapy. Maybe I was lucky to have to spend a minimum of a week on my back after each treatment because I was too tired to move which was ok since moving made me want to throw up the tiny bit of food and drink I had managed to swallow. Perhaps I was lucky that I lost all of my hair?  Maybe I was lucky that 5 and a half years later I still can’t drive from Virginia to Michigan because it wipes me out to the point of shaking I’m so tired and my eyes go all blurry from exhaustion?   Doesn’t sound very lucky to me.

2.  As mentioned above, one of the things I’m apparently “lucky” to have experienced in a cancer other than breast cancer is infertility. In a very misguided attempt to try to make me feel better about this daily struggle a complete stranger who over heard a conversation I was having with a friend on the phone felt it was her responsibility to make me feel better. She leaned over after I hung up (I was in a coffee shop) and informed me that the bright side of not being able to have kids is I can spend more time for myself and not have to constantly be thinking about someone else. Also, according to her, if I really wanted to have a kid someday I could adopt.   From a complete stranger!  I was in shock!!  Let’s see, spend more time on me when all I have ever wanted more than anything was to be a mother. And yes, let me dip into my savings and pull out about $20 to $30 grand to start the adoption process. Because the average single woman just has that kind of money laying around. And let’s completely ignore the struggle of accepting this complete and total reversal of what you had hoped and prayed for your life to be.

Now, perhaps these people don’t hear their own words. Maybe they honestly think they are giving up happy news or sage advice. I don’t know. But I do know this kind of unthought and sometimes unsolicited advice isn’t just something cancer survivors have to deal with. Anyone who is going through something painfully difficult will find themselves the recipient of these “helpful” words. From miscarriages to chronic health conditions to loosing family members to being separated from loved ones due to military deployments or multiple work trips. I am begging everyon, no matter who you are to the person you are talking to...take two seconds and ask if these words are perhaps the best way to express yourself.   Too often I have found myself staring in shock at people and unable to form words. Or sometimes just trying to smile and shrug it off because I don’t have the emotional energy to engage at that moment. It isn’t our sole responsibility to kindly and gently correct someone that their words are in fact like daggers to the heart. Let’s all be aware how our words affect others.

That all being said, I really don’t want to end this post on a negative note so I want to look at all the things I am blessed with after going through this experience.
1. I am blessed to have deepened my Faith.
2.  I am blessed that I found a direction in life that lead me to a field of work that I love!
3. I am blessed that I was able to work through some of the pain of not having children and found a love for fostering.
4.  I am blessed by the people I meant along my journey and that I continue to meet and be inspired by and learn from.
5.  I am blessed to have my family and close friends encourage me and be there for me when I’m laughing and when I’m crying.
6.  I am blessed that even though my energy isn’t the same, each year I am doing more and more and pushing back that wall of exhaustion.
7.  I am blessed that in a few minutes I’ll finish up my lunch break and dive back into my job and look forward to the many fun things I have planned to do...because I CAN!

Feet Back Under Me: Unexpected

Today has been a different kind of day. And not for any of the reasons I thought it would be.  For a while now, I have been encouraged to consider genetic counseling and genetic testing.  I really fought this for a long time.  It was something that in my mind only held bad news.  That something terrible was going to be found.  That out of this test I would only hear devastating words.  In my mind nothing good could come out of this.

It is crazy how you can build something up so much that it becomes this menacing, faceless thing that no one else seems to understand will crush you.  You find yourself unable to face it and all you want to do is run away.  It's like this every time genetic counseling or testing was brought up to me until one day this week...it wasn't.  As the doctor talked about it I waited for the anxiety to build uncontrollably and become overwhelming.  But all I could think was...my sister was right.  I needed to face this.  And I was finally ready to face this.

Since I was diagnosed I have had severe anxiety whenever I had to go to the doctor's office.  I don't think I have ever gotten a normal blood pressure reading at any visit!  My coping mechanism was to act like it was no big deal to most people, but my parents can fully attest that this is a very thin façade.  However, since moving out of Michigan and getting to where I am now, I have had to learn to go to the doctor's alone.  No buffer to reach out to and touch and ground myself.  I had to do that job on my own.  And I am pretty bad at it.  At 39 I am not ashamed to say that I call my parents on a pretty regular basis and more so when I have to see a doctor.

I was at the oncologist's office for the first time in a few years this week to check up on two years of irregular cells found on my annual tests.  And oddly enough, through the anxiety and fear that is a constant companion when I am at any doctor's office lately, I found myself not just acting calm...but starting to feel calm.  I felt like for the first time in a long time that this part of my life was going to be ok.  That I had doctors who I could trust and I knew understood what has happened and what I was going through every day since then.  That the nightmare was in fact not waiting around the corner to grab me again.  And  when genetic counseling was gently suggested and explained, I found myself actually wanting those answers.  No trumpets heralded this total Mentanoa.  It was this gentle shift from acting like I can handle this alone to actually being able to handle this but not feeling completely alone.

And so today I met with the genetic counselor who explained the scary monster and suddenly it wasn't so scary.  It was science.  It was order and made sense.  It was almost reassuring how the process works and what they look for and why they look for specific things.  It is like making a plan and feeling like someone who knows has your back.  It's everything I feel when I step into my church and come face to face with God.  Its realizing that in this science and order is the same reassuring God Who is in my church, my soul and in my faith.  He has always been there beside me and I have always felt Him there.  But tonight, thinking back on the afternoon, I realize that He isn't just there to be that comfort...He is handing me all the strength I need to live my life and to take care of myself.  To not be afraid of what I don't know.  And to not live in fear of what might happen.

My dad is always telling me that life is what happens when you are busy planning.  This doesn't mean not to plan but rather, live your life every day.  And today that included taking a trip from the second floor of the cancer center to the first floor and breathing through a blood draw and then letting it go for four weeks.  Tonight it meant watching a movie and tomorrow it means going to a beeping Easter Egg hunt.  In four weeks it will mean to create a plan to make sure my doctors and I are keeping an eye on the right things, and then go home and prepare for my respite foster kiddos.  And who knows what else the future holds.  I know I will be afraid and anxious still sometimes but today I let go of that and it felt good.

Feet Back Under Me: Thank You Lord

The last two months have been something else.  It almost feels like a laundry list of difficult moments!  Emotions ranging from sad, to angry to astonished and confused to fear and frustration!  I will admit that there have also been a fair share of good things too!  I have laughed a lot, shared heartfelt conversations, done crazy and silly things and found a comfort in my faith and peacefulness in God's creation.

I feel like this is all just quite simply life.  But sometimes it takes time to process it and life doesn't always give you that time.  So I had to break it down.  Go through it and acknowledge the not so good and the good alike.

Not so good: a violation of my privacy and trust and the struggle of deciding if I should go on sharing my story and my journey through this blog.
Good: learning to be more aware of the people around me and learning prudence as well as not letting fear, that all to often present acquaintance, get the better of me.

Not so good:  abnormal cells found a second year in a row and the over whelming anxiety and fear felt for almost two weeks!
Good: getting the all clear from the doctor that upon further investigation there is still no evidence of disease.  However, I was referred to go speak to a gyno oncologist just to be on the safe side and make sure everything that can't be seen is all good.

Not so good:  still no foster child.  So many people around me with new babies, pregnant, adopting.  Me praying to God to be a mother.

Good: Being a foster parent means that before they come to me a child must be hurting and I do not want any child to hurt.

And then I looked only at the good.

Good: I am surrounded at work and in my personal life by kind and caring people who are all prayer warriors!

Good:  I live in one of the most beautiful areas on God's earth and can easily find the beauty in God's creation that brings me peace.

Good: I have learned to turn more and more to God with my fear and sadness and troubles and find Him soothing my heart and soul.

Good: Visiting with friends and seeing the lovely creations God has made through their love in the form of smiling and beautiful babies.

Good: Exploring all over and rediscovering old haunts and creating new ones.  Taking the time God has given me and filling it with good and happy memories.

Good:  Doing things that make me smile like coloring my hair purple and blue!!!!

Good: Talking with my parents and siblings and sharing personal moments and happy moments.

Good:  Finding new ways and continuing old ways of sharing my story in the hopes I can help as many people as possible find the good in their lives, hope and moments to smile over, even in the midst of any frightening life changes they may be going through.

In that spirit, while I will continue to write and post this blog on the support groups I am in, I have also started a private Facebook group where I can also share more through pictures, videos and hear from you and your stories.  If you would like to join, it is called Life After Cancer.  It is a closed group so you will have to request to join.  In sharing my story I want to encourage others to share their stories.  There are no pre-requisites to be a member.  Maybe it is cancer or infertility or diabetes or the loss of a family member.  We all go through different things in life that change us and will take a long time to handle and process.   I know it has been over 5 years since I went through it all and I am finding I am still going through it and trying to negotiate through life.  For me, sharing helps me process and I want to invite you to share too or just sit back and read and maybe I can in some small way help you or at the very least. make you smile.

Finally, I just want to say, Thank You Lord for Your support and comfort and blessings over the past few months.  Thank You Lord for Your constant presence and the people You have sent into my life, for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  Thank You Lord for helping me every day and Thank You Lord for Your love and strength.

Feet Back Under Me: Foster Mama in Waiting...and waiting, and waiting, and waiting

Patience, I think, is something we all work on every day.  Some situations we can be as patient as a saint...while other things seem to test us to the breaking point.  I am now in month number 6 waiting for a foster placement.  I thought for sure this past week it was going to happen.  Two little ones who needed a home.  Two little ones who needed some extra love.  

Waiting to get the final word if they would come to me I had images in my head that were quite the jumble!  First I was thinking practical.  I'll have to call my boss and let him know the placement finally came and I wouldn't be into work the next day.  I would have to hit up Walmart in the middle of the night for some PJ's and a change of clothes in their size. Work out day care and school over the next few days.  Talk about taking family leave.  Then there were the random thoughts of kissing sleeping in goodbye.  Well, realistically, probably kissing sleeping in consecutive hours  goodbye until they were settled in.  Then the thoughts that made me smile.  Those small moments when you see your kiddo sleeping restfully.  That moment when they finally take your hand.  Or when they turn to you for help on even a little thing like zipping up their coat.  I know in fostering these are milestones because they show the tiniest bit of trust just MIGHT be forming.  All of this swirling in my head in no particular order.  And then the word finally comes.  They aren't coming to me. They find a home that has more beds than I do and they don't have to split up the siblings.  That is a good and wonderful reason for them to not come to me and I am  happy for them.  Even thought it feels to them that their world is falling apart around them and they are scared and sad and angry.  I do know that at least they are together.

Then I get home and walk inside and it is perfectly quiet.  I set my alarm without having to consider someone waking up before me.  I turn on Netflix and curl up on the couch, not having to make sure the volume isn't too high.  I ask God to take care of those two littles that almost came to me and then I ask Him...WHEN?  When is it my turn to be a mother even if it is only until their mother can take care of them?  When is it going to be my turn to be sleep deprived and proud that my kiddo put their shoes on the right feet for the first time alone...then realize I am wearing two different shoes?  When is it my turn to see those milestones of a child becoming a child again?  When do I get to finally, after working hard to gain their trust, maybe, just maybe, have them curl up in my arms and rock them to sleep?

Then I remember.  It isn't going to happen on my time line.  It is going to happen when it is the right time.  In God's time. Four times I have received that call and four times, for various reason, it hasn't worked out.  And so I wait for the fifth call and hope and pray that maybe this will be the time.