To Peter

Dear Peter,

It's been six years since you died.  Honestly, it doesn't feel that long.  Feels like it just happened.  Like it still isn't real.  I still catch myself thinking I need to call you to talk about something or tell you something that happened.  I don't like driving by Ann Arbor anymore.  Can't stop and have a drink and talk until 2am on the back deck with you.

I've been starting to do that Throw Back Thursday thing on Facebook lately and going through old pictures, I lost count of the number of pictures that had both you and I in them!  Being less then two years younger then you I guess we did kinda do everything together.  I became quite the Tom Boy growing up because of you and the younger boys.  I didn't mind though.  I could keep up with you even if I couldn't see a darn thing!  But don't worry, other's in the family have taken up your favorite description of pointing out my lack of sight!  Birds everywhere still make me think of you because of your total delight in my misdirection that day!

A lot has happened these past six years.  I finally graduated from college.  I managed to get through cancer.  I'm going to Grad school in the fall.  I know you know all this but…I wish I could have looked to where mom and dad were sitting and seen you too when I graduated.  I really wished I could have held on to your hand with everything that happened this past year.  And called you when I was scared to ask questions.  I know you were there through it all.  I know you were beside me.  But sometimes, I wish I could see you.  Hear you tell me to suck it up.  Give you a hug.

To be honest, I'm scared.  I'm scared that my cancer will just keep coming back too.  I wish I could push past it like you did and live and do what I wanted.  I am trying, really.  I wish I could ask you if it was always in the back of your mind like it is in mine.

I know I can't create new memories with you.  But at least I have the memories of 28 years.  Going on vacations, school, climbing trees in the back yard in Flint, working with Star in the back paddocks, having you show up at my door when I was in college grinning like an idiot:).  Power walking with you and the boys from the Washington Monument to the Lincoln Memorial!  My short legs had a hard time keeping up with you tall boys but like when we were little, I did it.  Going to the March for Life with you and desperately clinging to the back of your coat so I don't fall down from dizziness as we pushed through the crowds.  Driving to Florida together and exploring Naples.  I just realized, the first time I ever saw the Atlantic Ocean, Pacific Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico, I was with you.  Honestly, I hope I never get use to having big, life moments without you there to share them.  If I don't, that means I'll always at least be thinking of you when they happen.  And maybe you will be there next to me still.

So do me a favor, help me reach those life goals I still have to make.  And be there with me.

Love you big brother,
Cathy