Remembering at Anniversaries

Most of the time, the word Anniversary evokes happy thoughts and memories of weddings, birthdays and other happy events.  For me, right now, the word "anniversary" is evoking fear, sadness and sometimes total terror!  A year ago today I was checked into Bronson Hospital, with three units of blood already transfused and two more to come.  I had no idea what was wrong with me and terror was all I could feel…when I was coherent enough to feel it.

This month has been a rough one and I can't imagine May will be much better.  Diagnosed with cancer in April, surgery in May and then there is the anniversary of my brother Peter's death from cancer in May.  To put it lightly, I was a complete and total basket case a year ago.  While it is not as bad this year, just remembering it puts me in a cold sweat sometimes.  Or makes the tears come before I even know it.  I would love not to think about it and sometimes I can manage that.  But then out of the blue it all comes rushing back!

I am grateful that a year later I have had two clear checkups and I am grateful that slowly but surely I am getting back to my old level of energy and stamina.  But that fear…I wonder if it will ever go away.