In the Air!

In the Air!
400 feet above the ground in Orlando.

Florida

Florida
Taking my first step towards a new life.

Virginia

Virginia
Spending an afternoon at Marymount during my internship!

My rocks!

My rocks!
Wouldn't be where I am without my parents!

Graduation

Graduation
Walking for my Masters. An interesting book end as this all started when I graduated from undergrad!

Awesome Nurses!

Awesome Nurses!
After my port removal and saying goodbye to my chemo nurses before moving away from Michigan. Wouldn't be doing that without them!

Hair again!

Hair again!
Growing longer each day

Last Chemo

Last Chemo

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Silliness

Silliness
Something to remember and return to. A good day!

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Saturday, February 15, 2014

Why DId This Pop Up Here!?

Being back in Virginia has been pretty great, but it is also making me face different things that I have just put off dealing with.  They aren't bad things really, but they aren't easy either.  It has been an interesting time of a mix of laughing, smiling, thinking and yes, even a little crying.  I think crying is just going to happen for a while.  I do feel better after letting myself cry though.

I find myself so incredibly happy to be back with my friends and even meeting new people:)  It feels so very good to laugh over jokes, silly things or even nothing at all!  Although i am also learning that, as a friend pointed out, I have been alone way too long!  It comes out in how I deal with being around people, especially larger groups of people.  I don't do very well.  I've had to have things a certain way for so long now that it is hard to break out of some of those habits.  It is also hard to admit that some of those habits I can't break out of just yet.  The pickyness of the food, the need to eat small meals throughout the day.  Not being able to be around large groups of friends for very long at all.  Still need to keep track of the water I drink to make sure I get enough.  And the resting.  Ah yes, the resting is still very important!

I suppose some of the harder parts is realizing that life really did stand still for me...but it didn't stand still for anyone else.  It's hard to wonder if that distance can ever really be closed again.  I know life will move on for me as my energy comes back (and it WILL come back!) but I am seeing it isn't the life I had tucked away in my mind.  A life that just picked up where I had left off.  That's a little scary actually.  Well, ok, it's a lot scary!  How do you deal with that?  Life moving on without you?  Where do you go when that happens?

Being around people again like this has also made me see a lot of insecurities I never knew I had.  I have only been surrounded with kindness and love and support while I have been here...but I still feel like I'm on one side of a line and everyone else is on the other side, watching me.  I see wonderfully confident women who look beautiful and full of life.  I see handsome men, strong and kind and good.  And I'm almost sometimes afraid to try to step over that line back to their side.  I never know when something is going to hit me in such a way to make the tears just come gushing out no matter how I try to stop them!  I want to be around them, talking and laughing but also am hesitant in a way I don't understand.

I was really surprised at how I reacted to returning to the young adult group I use to be a part of.  So many faces I didn't know but all these people and more had been praying for me for so long!  I wanted to thank them from the bottom of my heart...to somehow convey to them just how much their prayers held me up and the numerous little miracles that were the result of all their prayers!  I was barely able to get my name out and a short "thank you" before this feeling of fear almost over whelmed me!  I tried so hard to focus on the talk my friend was giving that night but phrases and words just brought on a wave of things I have tried hard not to think about too much and just overwhelmed me!

They were studying the book of Tobit and a mention of Tobit getting married and having children nearly threw me into tears.  I started looking around and saw all these beautiful women who could have kids and the men around them who probably wanted that!  It just brought it crashing down on me that I can't have kids!  One sentence!  It brought on a whole slew of insecurities about myself around other people!  It was ridiculous!  I'm pretty sure every person there would tell me they were unfounded...yet there they were!  Rather big and ugly too!

So while this trip is the much needed break from Michigan and everything that has happened there, I think it is also going to be a time for me to maybe start trying to deal with these things that have been hitting me at the oddest times!  I would much rather just hold on to my friends, laugh, talk and yes, rest!  So yes, this trip is turning out to be a mix of easy and difficult.  But I suppose that is life...or at least my life:)  I wonder if anyone else has had these problems with insecurities, fears, and inability to control the tears.  Ok, the tears are just a part of menopause but the rest...really?

I suppose I am asking for more prayers then:)  I have to deal with all of this eventually.  Perhaps a safe place to start is surrounded by friends:)

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