Fighting Frustration

I never thought of myself as a constantly moving person.  I always saw myself as someone who took life easy…until I had to take life easy for months and months and months!  Nope, I am a "lets get moving" person!

It's really hard not to complain right now but it is frustrating.  I want to get out there and get life moving again!  And I can to a certain extent.  Just not anywhere near what I use to yet.  I went back to the gym over a week ago.  I did three workouts in one week and yes, pushed myself some.  Then I also spent afternoons running errands and going places.  As a result, I spent three strait days in bed so tired I felt sick.  Then the rest of this week mostly resting in bed.  I'm still not back up to where I was before I went to the gym but am getting back there.  I also realize…it hasn't even been the same amount of time I've been through chemo.  I have heard that at the VERY LEAST you are going to be knocked down after chemo as long as you were in chemo.  I was in chemo for 3 and a half months.  That isn't counting the month after my last chemo that was spent almost completely in bed! And it has only been just over three months since my last chemo.   I know stepping back and looking at it…I am actually doing pretty good…even though I am still highly limited as to what energy I have and stamina.

That being said…if my hair were actually long enough to grab in my hands…I would be pulling on it in frustration!  I have never been someone who has sat around waiting for something to happen.  I have always been the type to go out and do my best to make something happen.  And now, I am stuck in the post chemo waiting room!  You think waiting for your doctor is long!!!  No comparison!

Friends keep suggesting things to do and I try to do some of them.  The crazy thing is that it comes down to stamina…energy…and my lack of both!  And concentration!  I know I have come a long way from being in chemo with my concentration.  Use to be a two minute conversation on the phone knocked me out!  I can have normal conversations again…mostly.  Although, talking too long does still wear me out.  It all comes down to focus.  It is crazy how much focusing can make you tired!  I'm trying to start a new FB page posting articles I find and people write for me on the Faith.  The problem with finding links for articles means I have to read them!  This is odd…I can read a fantasy genre book on my tablet with no problems…I can read for an hour or two at a time and I'm ok!  I try to focus on an article online and my brain goes sideways and it is a total fight to get it to read the words and take them in!  I usually find myself skimming and hoping I get the gist of the article.  The longer the article…the harder this is.

I can hear everyone saying to me that I have been through a lot.  And I'm not arguing that…I was there!  But that doesn't mean that the frustration of being so limited goes away with those words or those thoughts.  It's there every day…fighting me!

I was told many times by my nurses to look for changes from month to month…and they won't be big ones for a while.  I'm going to try something.  I am going to give myself a month to look forward to and until that month I'm not going to try to compare the differences each month brings.  I am looking at the end of April…the time this all started for me last year and six months from my last chemo…and see where I am there.  In the mean time…I am hoping not to go nuts with all the resting I still have to do.