In the Air!

In the Air!
400 feet above the ground in Orlando.

Florida

Florida
Taking my first step towards a new life.

Virginia

Virginia
Spending an afternoon at Marymount during my internship!

My rocks!

My rocks!
Wouldn't be where I am without my parents!

Graduation

Graduation
Walking for my Masters. An interesting book end as this all started when I graduated from undergrad!

Awesome Nurses!

Awesome Nurses!
After my port removal and saying goodbye to my chemo nurses before moving away from Michigan. Wouldn't be doing that without them!

Hair again!

Hair again!
Growing longer each day

Last Chemo

Last Chemo

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Silliness

Silliness
Something to remember and return to. A good day!

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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Still Fumbling!! When Will It End!?

I sometimes wonder if my brain will ever be mine again!!  I am the type of person who can recall long ago memories with startling clarity and random facts without knowing how.  Until now that is!  I was warned that my brain would experience what they called "chemo brain" or "chemo fog" during treatment...but I guess I was hoping it would clear up by now!

My memory recall only works a little.  I know that there is information that I do know and it's like it is just there beyond my reach...but I am positive I know the information!  I just can't grab it!  That is beyond frustrating!  Then there are the moments were the information is in my head but I can't get it to come out of my mouth...like it can't figure out how to get from my head to my vocal chords...and should it reach them, my vocal chords can't seem to remember how to produce the sounds!  Then of course there are the moments where I forget to do something.  I forget to turn off the stove, I forget to do the simple task I'm asked to do...sometimes while I'm on the way to do it!!  Forget asking me to do something more then five or ten minutes from that moment!  This is NOT who I was!

People keep telling me to be patient...that if I give it time everything will be back to normal.  I suppose I might be a bit impatient.  Even though I went through it, now that I'm not on my back almost all day every day and feeling sick and beyond exhausted I guess I assume it is all over and all the side effects.  My hair is slowly coming back in...although I still look like a boy with a VERY short buzz cut.  I can do more and am driving on my own...but still can wear myself out faster then is considered close to normal.  I guess my question is...when are the side effects really gone?  Or are there some that just never go away?  I really, really want my brain back!  I feel like I am operating on half my ability to think clearly!

It's like I'm half way between treatment and being completely better...and I'm stuck and can't seem to move forward.  Probably I'm still moving forward but I can't see it.  And that is maybe almost as frustrating as having half a working brain!

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