My New Normal Days 74, 75, & 76. Scared.

The past few days I have been struggling with something I have to do.  Part of getting my new job is also getting new health insurance.  And part of moving to another state is getting all new doctors.  I considered trying to stay with my doctors I had previously if they took my insurance but that is a lot of traveling back and forth and sending of scans and records back and forth.  And taking time off of work.   And that could get pricey.  As much as I don't want to leave my oncologist, I know it just makes more financial sense and is easier.  But it is also harder.

Tonight I finally sat down and forced myself to get online and start looking into my options down here.  I will freely admit that I called my mom to help get me jump started into doing this.  And I also admit that I was fighting a loosing battle to keep back the tears and anxiety and overwhelming fear that started to fight for top billing inside me!

As I started scrolling through the doctor's names on the screen, trying to decide which direction to go since I couldn't find the one doctor that had been recommended by a nurse down here.  Finally I just went to the website for the Florida Cancer center here in Orlando and sent a request for contact form in.  And I was shaking pretty hard as I did it too.

Three years later and just the thought of starting this process is overwhelming.  I can feel every mile between me and the people I love and wish were here with me.  Even my brothers who are only a couple hours away.  Because this is the first time I have had to tackle this alone.  No one to turn to and hug after I hit send.  No one I can just sit next to and feel them next to me and just let it all sink in that I can't pretend it isn't still happening anymore.

I just have to vent for a second and say...THIS ISN'T FAIR!  THIS COMPLETELY SUCKS!  I shouldn't have to be worrying about this.  I shouldn't have to be scared or anxious.  It's times like this where I feel overwhelmingly angry at everything I have to do and everything I have lost!  Of all the children I'll never get to have because of this stupid, horrible thing.  And it's just not fair!

I know I try to be upbeat and positive in these blog posts but for right now, for this post, I'm just angry and hurt and anxious and scared.  I know the chances of getting a bad result when I finally have all my tests is a low percentage.   But so were the odds of me having this cancer in the first place and then having it move to another organ.  I know people want to hold me up and say all the words that are supposed to make a person feel better.  But sometimes those words can't make it through.

And now I am going to take a deep breath and wipe my face dry and curl up in bed with Netflix and remember that tomorrow I get to go do work that always brings a smile to my face.  I get to see the client's I work with and laugh with them and talk with them and encourage them and try to be there for them when they are having bad days too.  And I am determined to not let anything happen that will stop me from doing this work.  I'm going back to being positive and upbeat now.  But thank you for letting me break down a little on here.