365 Things to Smile About Day 2 Baby's Smiles

So today has turned out to be a sleepy day, and not for lack of trying to get up and go.  One of the lovely side affects of chemo is a set of VERY sensitive sinuses!  Guess what folks, a low or a high is coming to West Michigan!  I can't tell you which and I can't tell you when but I can definitely tell you it is coming!  I ended up curled up on the couch sound asleep in the late afternoon and woke up somehow with my head even more tight!  Can we say sinus meds after dinner?!  Too strong for an empty stomach.

Anyway, I have been trying to keep doing things that are positive and smile worthy.  I'm working on my latest knitting project.  And by knitting project I mean a one color afghan done only in the knit stitch because I keep forgetting to knit and pearl different rows!  I was sitting at my computer after my impromptu nap wondering what I could write here.  Then I remembered church this morning and found myself smiling.

My church is nearing the end of a renovation and Mass has been held for several weeks in the church hall while floors and pews have been replaced.  It has made for cozy mass times as it is a fraction of the size of the church.  Because I always get too hot and then claustrophobic I try to sit by the one entrance to the hall.  This way I on occasion catch a breeze.  I also see everyone who comes in (and learned today there is no way to unobtrusively enter when the consecration is beginning.  Especially when you are a big family.  Not sure if they had car problems but man I felt bad for them trying to find a seat and trying to be invisible while doing it!)   Before Mass started however, I saw a mom walk in, and back out, and back in again with the cutest little boy in her arms who was under a year old.  Anyway, each time they walked by me, the little boy was smiling and pointing at something.  When they came back in, he looked at me and gave a small smile and pointed at me.  It was really a very small thing but every time I think about it today, I honestly find myself smiling and even laughing a little bit!  Who is able to resist the smiles of a baby, especially when that smile and attention is directed at you?!

So for today, since it has made me smile many times already, I am counting this small moment as my daily thing to smile about!  And adding to it the second Bingo page of things to do my best friend made and sent me to play that game with.  I do believe she visited the Kalamazoo Events page because there are quite a few local festivals on it!  So a baby's smiles and a friends encouragement from over seas has made my day 2 a success!

365 Things to Smile About Day 1

So, starting out small but with satisfaction:). Day 1 I finished 6 placemats I started about a year ago. They came out looking great and now I have some wedding presents to give!  Lol!

I've also started knitting another afghan today and I'll try to finish it in less than a year this time!  

A friend of mine also gave me a bingo board with things to do. I'll post a picture when I get my first Bingo:). The idea is to fill the whole board:)

So, first day was good:). I've been sewing and knitting today and loving it!!  Definitely something to smile about:)

A New Idea

Ok, so it has been a few months since I wrote on here.  Classes have kept me pre-occupied all the way through July.  But to be honest, so has not wanting to face some things.  It has been almost two years since i finished chemo I thought by now that whole chapter in my life would simply be a memory and a distant one at that.  Here is the thing.  This spring I started fighting feeling sad and tired a lot.  I watched all my classmates go through the graduation ceremony and off to internships and couldn't help but be frustrated that I couldn't be a part of that.  I know the decision I made to split my program into two years was the right decision, it still remains a very difficult one.

This summer I finished two of my incomplete classes I had to take last fall and while it feels good that I was able to get them done, I am seeing now it was also me trying to not deal with how I am feeling.  I have never really cared for living in Kalamazoo, even in undergrad before this all started.  Living here now is just a constant reminder of everything that happened.  And I can't help but think that in April I will be experiencing some serious de ja vu.  There is something about being here that physically and emotionally pulls me down.  Actually, almost anywhere in Michigan makes me feel this way.  I don't want to feel this way because I have my parents and brothers and nieces and nephews living here.  I want to be able to spend time with them and be happy.  It's just so hard sometimes because something always makes me think of the cancer and the surgeries and the hospitals and the chemo.  In small doses it doesn't bother me.  But when it is all around me, it gets difficult.  I still have my body reminding me of everything still.  I am doing so much better than I was a year ago but I still see the limitations I am hitting and that is frustrating.

I realized today that these emotions and frustrations and memories were bringing me to the point where I have more days than I care to count sitting on my couch watching TV or playing games on my phone.  Not trying to interact with the world outside my apartment unless I had to.  Shopping, church, bill paying.  Nothing that really brought me out of myself.

This morning I found a Facebook page on a cancer survivor page about two women basically living up life for a year.  Doing new things, big or small, every day.
https://www.facebook.com/lifeitup365?fref=ts
I liked the idea of doing something different each day and talking about it.  I wouldn't do it exactly the same way but something similar.  I had a professor when I first started college (who has since become a close friend) who told me one way to combat homesickness (or in this case depression) was to find one thing each day to laugh about.  Even if it was a memory.  If you laugh at least once a day you can't stay sad all the time.  It makes life that much easier and brighter.  It was an idea I tried when I was in chemo and it really helped.  But I let go of it when I started school and I think that was a mistake.

What I want to try to do then is each day to do something or learn something that makes me smile.  It can be as big as crossing something off of my bucket list to as small as finding a new place to go for a walk.  And to keep me honest, share what that thing is every day.  I'm sure I'll come up with some corny name for it like "365 Things To Smile About".  Actually...I kinda like that.  Anyway, it is something that will keep me moving and smiling for the rest of the time I am in Kalamazoo and into my internship...where ever that might be.  And writing about it will keep me accountable for it. So here goes.  I better get moving and figure out what today's will be.:)

Nothing Has Changed and Yet Everything Has Changed.

So I realized that I haven't written on here since last May.  A lot has happened since then.  I moved back in to my own place back in Kalamazoo and started Graduate school.  I learned a few weeks in to the semester that perhaps taking 18 graduate credits less than a year after chemo was not the brightest idea in the world. After laying in bed for two weeks with a combination of the flu and complete exhaustion I had a talk with my advisor and eased up on my credits and extended my program to two years.

Last semester was an eye opener for me.  First of all, my brain is still scrambled from the chemical bath it took for three and a half months.  Not as bad as it had been but still not good.  I also discovered that my learning style has changed quite a bit!!  On top of that, my eyes are acting differently now.  Nothing has changed with them really but they get tired so much easier now!  Very frustrating!  My sensitivity to light and also specific kinds of lights has gone up a ridiculous amount and I am learning new ways to deal with that.  Explain to me why every public building in the world has florescent lights???!!!  Add to all of this that while I am now on HRT's, the symptoms of menopause have not gone away completely.  Exhaustion still hits when I push to do new things like get up at 6:30 in the morning and head in to Practicum.  I love what I am learning there and am really excited about this semester, but I am also back to taking naps in the afternoon!!  The lovely bursts of heat and cold are still coming, although in all fairness not as often.

I guess I was hoping once I got back into the real world, all of these things would disappear.  I've managed to have three clear CT scans and my three month exams come out normal each time so far. I was hoping that these good results would be the magic wand that made all the residual effects disappear.  But you know what?  I'm exhausted every day.  I toss and turn many nights trying to sleep or trying to get cool or warm up.  I sit in class feeling like an idiot sometimes unable to get the words I know to be the right answer to come out.  I still get indescribably terrified whenever I have to see a doctor.  Every time a friend of mine gets pregnant or has a baby I have this mixed feeling of being so happy for them and wanting to just curl up and cry.  Oddly enough, the safest place for me, for a few minutes, is when I walk back into the infusion room where I had chemo and see my nurses.  When I am there and see them, for those few minutes I can actually see the progress I've made through their eyes.  I can relax and let go of being strong for a few minutes.  And when I'm able to do that, I feel this incredible relief!  I don't cry, I don't freak out.  I'm actually laughing the whole time I'm there!!  After that visit I feel like I can go back out and keep moving forward.

Despite everything that hasn't changed, so much has changed!  I have to remember that.  I can do so much more than I could this time last year!  I don't require a wheel chair to get through an airport anymore!  I have hair on my head again and it looks halfway decent:).  My wig is permanently put away!  I can read more and actually retain most of what I read!  I can talk on the phone and not become exhausted after only a few minutes of conversation!  I got a 3.90 GPA my first semester back in school!  I'm getting up early in the morning and going to what is basically a part time job while also going to classes and doing the required home work.  I am actually planning a future in a career that means a great deal to me personally!    So many really good things are going for me in all parts of my life.    I am meeting wonderful people in my program and gaining new experiences every day.  And actually, more often then not I am really happy!  

I think that is the biggest change.  I'm happy again.  Sure, there are moments when I get discouraged and anxious and scared.  I don't think those will ever go away completely.  But then I walk into my classroom building on campus and see a classmate wave me over to the table everyone is sitting at or I get a call from a friend who has a unique ability to make me laugh no matter how bad I feel.  Or I get a text message that makes me smile and I can put everything bad behind me and just be happy.  I think that is the most important change, being able to be happy with the life you are now leading.

Easier Said Then Done

For a year now, my life has been defined by my cancer.  It has been consumed by it in fact.  Now, I am just about at 7 months out of chemo and I think I am finally away from that…mostly.  So now I am trying to figure out how to put it behind me.

How does someone put something like cancer behind them?  Especially when they have a strong reminder every three months through exams and scans and doctor visits to bring back the fear as you wait for test results.  And in my case lets not forget the menopause that rears it's annoying, hot flashing little head more and more now that I am not knocked down by the chemo.  It's like the bad dream that never completely goes away.

The funny thing is, whenever I can put it out of my mind for a few days, something comes up and I find myself talking to someone about it or trying to tell someone how important it is to talk to their doctor about anything different.  It's like I'm not suppose to forget it.  So what do I do with it?

A few months before this all started last year I was freaking out about graduation approaching.  It's kinda scary when you meet a goal and realize your life is no longer about that goal.  A friend of mine told me to get out a piece of paper and write all over it every little thing I have wanted to do or thought about doing.  One of the first things I wrote down was I wanted to be a motivational speaker.  At that time I was the visually impaired girl who wasn't suppose to be able to see, much less live on my own hundreds of miles away from my parents, drive a car or hold down a normal job.  This is what doctors told my parents would never happen.  And I made it happen.  I figured that might be motivational enough to talk about.  Now I wonder if maybe having cancer is another motivational subject.  Lets face it…it's up there with some of the worst things a person can go through.  It messes with your head, emotions, body and entire life!

So how does one go about being a motivational speaker?  And can I even do it?  I have never sat down and completely told my story.  I give high lights of it to people…rush through it and just hit the main points.  But I have never sat down and talked about the whole experience with anyone…much less a room full of people!  I don't know if I can even do that.  But I think I need to do SOMETHING.  Because just forgetting it isn't working.  Any ideas?

To Peter

Dear Peter,

It's been six years since you died.  Honestly, it doesn't feel that long.  Feels like it just happened.  Like it still isn't real.  I still catch myself thinking I need to call you to talk about something or tell you something that happened.  I don't like driving by Ann Arbor anymore.  Can't stop and have a drink and talk until 2am on the back deck with you.

I've been starting to do that Throw Back Thursday thing on Facebook lately and going through old pictures, I lost count of the number of pictures that had both you and I in them!  Being less then two years younger then you I guess we did kinda do everything together.  I became quite the Tom Boy growing up because of you and the younger boys.  I didn't mind though.  I could keep up with you even if I couldn't see a darn thing!  But don't worry, other's in the family have taken up your favorite description of pointing out my lack of sight!  Birds everywhere still make me think of you because of your total delight in my misdirection that day!

A lot has happened these past six years.  I finally graduated from college.  I managed to get through cancer.  I'm going to Grad school in the fall.  I know you know all this but…I wish I could have looked to where mom and dad were sitting and seen you too when I graduated.  I really wished I could have held on to your hand with everything that happened this past year.  And called you when I was scared to ask questions.  I know you were there through it all.  I know you were beside me.  But sometimes, I wish I could see you.  Hear you tell me to suck it up.  Give you a hug.

To be honest, I'm scared.  I'm scared that my cancer will just keep coming back too.  I wish I could push past it like you did and live and do what I wanted.  I am trying, really.  I wish I could ask you if it was always in the back of your mind like it is in mine.

I know I can't create new memories with you.  But at least I have the memories of 28 years.  Going on vacations, school, climbing trees in the back yard in Flint, working with Star in the back paddocks, having you show up at my door when I was in college grinning like an idiot:).  Power walking with you and the boys from the Washington Monument to the Lincoln Memorial!  My short legs had a hard time keeping up with you tall boys but like when we were little, I did it.  Going to the March for Life with you and desperately clinging to the back of your coat so I don't fall down from dizziness as we pushed through the crowds.  Driving to Florida together and exploring Naples.  I just realized, the first time I ever saw the Atlantic Ocean, Pacific Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico, I was with you.  Honestly, I hope I never get use to having big, life moments without you there to share them.  If I don't, that means I'll always at least be thinking of you when they happen.  And maybe you will be there next to me still.

So do me a favor, help me reach those life goals I still have to make.  And be there with me.

Love you big brother,
Cathy

One Woman's Reaction to the Video of the Woman Having an Abortion.

There has been a video going around the internet lately of a young women who filmed her abortion.  If that isn't disturbing enough, something she said at the end of the film completely shocked me.  She said "I can make a baby" and said it as if she were in awe of this…yet she documented destroying a baby!  This makes no sense to me.  If she is in so much awe that her body can do what it was meant to do…how can she be so wrapped up in promoting ending lives of babies through abortion?

The very word "abortion" means to stop or end…and quickly.  There is no "making" involved in that process.  It makes one wonder if she thinks she can make and un make anything she wants.  If she is so in awe of being able to create life, why on earth is she promoting ending it?

Her reason for having an abortion was she wasn't "ready for kids".  Lets set aside the fact that having sex is probably not a good idea then since it is, from a purely biological level, how humans are made in the first place.  Lets look at the unbelievable amount of selfishness there is throughout this video and in this thought process.  Perhaps she wasn't ready to be a mother.  I don't know.  What I do know, from personal experience, is that there are at least tens of thousands of women who are unable to have children.  They are unable to "make a baby" and this crushes their heart!  Their body can't do what it is suppose to do naturally.  But there are women out there, like this young women, who can have children.  And yet they don't see the gift that children are.  To the point that in order to make a point about their life choices, they make a video documenting aborting a baby that another woman would give her last breath to have!

This video is far from empowering to women.  It is so incredibly hurtful to women, especially those who can't have children.

All my life, no matter where I went in it, I always had one consistent desire that never, ever changed.  I wanted to have children.  I wanted to feel them grow inside of me.  I wanted to hold them in my arms the moment they were born.  I wanted watch them every day grow into an individual who was unique!  I wanted to hold their hands and help them take their first steps.  Watch them grow into a unique blend of me and their father!  I wanted to take them to school and watch their school plays, recitals and sporting events.  I wanted to show them the places I went growing up.  Camping in Montana, paddling canoes around the lake, hiking the mountains of Virginia.  I wanted to watch my sons and daughters become young men and women.  I wanted to see them graduate from college, start a career, fall in love, get married and start their own families.  I wanted to teach them about God and faith.  Give them all the tools they would need to build good, strong lives and deal with the hardships life can sometimes bring.  I wanted to hold my grandchildren in my arms and see my blue eyes looking back up at me from their sweet faces.  I wanted so much to be a mother!!  And now, I'll never be able to have a baby.

My cancer took away my ability to have children.  I'll never see my eyes in my child or grandchild.  I'll never see that face that blends me and their father.  That pain is something I can't even begin to describe,  But what I can do someday, God willing, is adopt a baby that some other women isn't ready to raise.  I can give that baby so much love and give them a chance to be the person God made them to be!

Watching that video of that young woman's abortion all I could think of was…"NO!  Stop!  Give me the baby!  I'll raise them!  You don't have to!  Please don't do this!"  And then to hear her say "I can make a baby" at the end.  After taking the life of her baby that she made just because she wasn't ready to be a mother and wanted to prove a point!  Did it ever cross her mind of the countless women this video would hurt?  Of the women who would have jumped in and done anything to raise that child?  Of the women who's hearts are aching for children?  Maybe that is a video that needs to be made.  Women who can't have children standing together to say "Please don't abort!  Give us a chance to be a mother."