Very Tired

I didn't want anyone to think I have disappeared.  For the first week after chemo I'm pretty wiped out.  Probably doesn't help that Zofran and Benadryl both make me sleepy:).  I'll be back on blogging more hopefully next week!  Until then, I'll be praying for you all!  Less than 6 weeks until my last chemo!!

4th Chemo Done! 2/3 There!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmdOx-YhNxs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Hello all!!  Along with a picture from today's chemo is a link to my youtube video I made today on a little exploration outside of the infusion room!!  It only took me this long to find out that you can walk outside in the pretty little garden just outside!!   Lol!!  Hey, what can i say...the chemo makes me slow!  Lol!

So mom got a crash course in using the video function on my tablet and voila...a very armature but heartfelt hello from yours truly!!   I am coming to the close of chemo 4 and am properly hyped up on the steroids given to me to keep me from having reactions.  Trust me... starting tomorrow with a combo of Zofran, Benadryl, my white count shot and crashing off the steroids...it isn't very pretty for the next five days!!!  Living on oatmeal and peaches and water and spending a lot of time in bed!!!!  Oh yes, and the Tylenol for the bone pain.  Ever had your bone marrow forced to grow new white blood cells??  One word to describe....OOOUUUCCCHHH!!!   I could have used another word but it wouldn't be lady like!

Well, my last chemo just beeped so I better wrap up!  Not sure if I will blog for a few days but will try!!

Ciao!!!

Grandma's 90th Birthday!!

 

Today is my Grandma's 90th birthday!!  It was only the second time I have been able to see her since June and the first time without a face mask!  Grandma has had a rough summer.  Starting in June she went through two procedures for a pace maker in two days, fought off pneumonia and plurasy and spent over two months in a rehab facility.

Grandma is home now and settling back into life again and is doing great!!!!  It was so wonderful to finally see her not in hospital gowns, beds and wheel chairs!!!

While it was nice to see her...it was frustrating to get so tired so quickly.  I will be happy to be able to sit and visit with grandma longer and more often:)  

Happy Birthday grandma!!!!  Love you lots and so happy you are home again!!!!!

Painful Muscles...But Good Pain!

One of the frustrating parts of chemo is the extreme fatigue.  Because of this fatigue, I don't get much exorcise.  If I push it too hard the exhaustion makes me feel sick.  I spend a lot of time sitting in a chair or laying down.  Especially for the first week or so after chemo.  Well, today, being so close to my next chemo, I was feeling well enough to go outside and walk around.  Mom and I walked down the road to the property line...which isn't very far to be honest.  It has a slight hill up to the line and by the time we got there, I could feel my leg muscles WORKING!!!

This is new to me...especially over such a short distance!  I have always been good at walking.  I enjoy it!  My legs were conditioned to it!  Especially after two years of tramping all over a college campus...sometimes at a power walk to make it from one class to another!  It is frustrating to me that I have reached a point where walking the equivalent of a block or so makes me want to sit down not only to rest from the tired feeling but also to ease my aching muscles!  And I have discovered muscles in places that shall remain nameless!!

I wish I could say that from now on I will go for a walk every day to make sure my muscles stop their downward spiral...but sadly I know that just isn't going to happen:(.  While I wouldn't call the fatigue completely debilitating...it comes close I think!  So I am going to have to do some serious and hard work after chemo.  Something tells me the recovery will be just as hard as the treatment!  But, I am determined that the muscles will no longer hurt unless I want them to hurt!

But in the mean time...excuse me as I take a moment to vent and let the whole world know that I HATE CHEMO!!!!!!!  And that I would really like my leg muscles back!  Please!!!!

I Want My Hair Back

I know this sounds incredibly vain, but I want my hair back!  I actually almost started crying looking at a picture of me with my long hair a couple days ago.  I have beautiful scarves, hats, a wig and bangs to put under the scarves.  And they are wonderful and I am so thankful to the people who have given them to me.  But I think I need to take a few minutes and just talk about hair and how the lack of it can affect a person!

It may sound silly.  But for a woman, her hair is a bigger part of who she is than you might think!  It certainly is a bigger part of me than I was aware of!  I'm actually coming to the point where I don't like looking at myself in the mirror.  It just makes me sad!  The craziest thoughts go through my mind when I see my head with a sparse, almost white, fuzz on top, that sticks strait up by the way!  Like, what man is going to look at me looking like this?!  Forget about the cancer, which is a whole other issue that a man would have to deal with, the bald look isn't working for me!  And I have no idea what color or texture it will come back in with when it finally does come back!  I have nightmares of it NOT coming back in and I have to rely on scarves, hats and wigs for the rest of my life!  That is not a reminder of this time I want to deal with!

I know I am looking at things not in the most positive light with this.  I know, logically, that this too will pass.  That my hair will grow back (fingers crossed it grows back as it was before!) and that someday I will meet a man who can handle what I'm dealing with.  Doctors appointments and CT scans for the rest of my life.  No biological children.  And the possibility of a recurrence.  And the crazy thing is, this is what jumps into my mind every time I look in the mirror and see a bald head!

I know I am not the only one who is dealing with this.  And to be honest, I also work on not letting it take over.  Yes, it gets to me...a lot of things do...but I know I have to work hard to not let it take over.  I do notice that as I slowly loose weight, the lack of hair accentuates my high cheek bones that are starting to show as my face becomes less round:).  Call my crazy, but I feel like my eyes are actually bluer!  And, I finally look good in a fedora:)  Granted, I think the hot pinkness of the hat helps but the no hair makes it fit better:)

I guess what I am trying to say is that while I work very hard every day to stay positive and fight this...it isn't a guaranteed win every minute of the day.  It is just too hard to be that way.  But, after I wipe the tears away and take a deep breath, I fill my head with all the good things around me.  My parents unending support and love.  My sister-in-law and her never ending support and drive to make me look my best!  My bother's and sister's phone calls and text messages to make sure I'm ok and talk about silly and every day things.  My niece Rachel always giving me encouragement and trusting that I am stronger than I think I am:).  All my family, being there for me in their own way and my friends praying so hard for me!  I am very blessed, I know.  And I am grateful for that every day because that strength and those prayers hold me up.  But honestly...I can't help saying it...I want my hair back!

Support

 

At the beginning of the summer my brother Jim did something that meant a great deal to me.  When I found out I was going to loose my hair from my chemo, he went out and shaved his head!  While this brought a great many comments his way, he laughed and shrugged them all off:).  He has kept his head shaved ever since and will keep his bald head as long as I am bald.  This kind of support from him isn't the first time he has been there for me.  

The day I found out I had cancer was a rough day in many ways.  I was still very anemic and doing anything took so much out of me still.  As I was walking out of the doctors office my parents told Jim (who was there with me) to take me to the hallway / foyer of the building while they finished up something.  All I remember is sitting on a bench and Jim sitting next to me, holding me in his arms and letting me cry, which was all I could do for a long time that day.  But I could draw some strength from Jim by him just being there and letting me cry and hold on to him.

This kind of support, especially from family, is so very important!  Without this kind of support I honestly am not sure how I would be doing!  I read somewhere that getting and giving hugs while going through chemo is important.  And I see why.  A hug is such a physical way of giving support and makes you feel that support.  So I suggest, if you know someone in or outside of your family who is going through a rough time in any way, give them your support and give them a hug.  It means and does so much!

Music Therapy

I don't know about anyone else, but I love music!!  Music is what inspires me in so many ways!  I can't write without music on in the background!  Whether it is a friend's CD of soothing harp music or the joys of the Celtic Women station on Pandora!

Listening to music helps calm me down, it opens my imagination and even though working on my book is pretty much not happening, it makes me think about it, where I want to go with it and so when my brain is not quite so scrambled from chemo I'll hopefully take off and get it finished!!!  You will all like it...guarenteed!  I just have to get it out of my head and written:)  And music helps with that.

It's like there is a power in music that can take you out of the saddest moment and put a smile on your face.  It can take you back to a moment in time in a second and hold you there for the duration of the piece.  I think I need to listen to music more often.  Let it take me out of the world of needles, chemo, fatigue and upset stomachs and put me in that beautiful world of the imagination!