Friends, Hold Them Close

There are so many things that I think we take for granted when life is moving along, normal, uninterrupted.  One of those things are our friends.  In the almost six weeks I have been going through chemo, I have had two wonderful visits from old friends. 

Before my second chemo was my long time friend, and "sister" Renee.  We have been friends for so long that really, words aren't always necessary to tell each other we we are thinking about them.  But she also knew that sometimes, you need to say or hear the words.  Sitting and talking as I fought fatigue helped me more than one would guess.  Having a close and dear friend sitting on the couch across from me...a place where she has set hundreds of time before during high school, and on visits home from VA and IL.  I actually didn't have the energy to talk much that day but sitting and listening, hearing a friends voice and a feeling a hug from someone close to you, it is a relief and almost a balm that works far better than any medication.

Yesterday, as I close in on my 3rd treatment, I was so happy and excited to have a visit from one of my oldest friends, Angela.  Friends since 8th grade, about twenty years now, so many wonderful memories came flooding back!  And being able to make new memories made me even happier.  A visit to the county fair and a chance to sit and talk about what is going on in our lives was just what I needed!!  To have a chance to be able to look a friend in a face, admit that despite the positive outlook I have adopted, this whole thing is so unbelievably difficult!  And to hear a friend say that it is ok to unload a bit, felt like a small weight off my shoulders!

I don't want to constantly be talking about the difficulties and the fears I have.  But to have a chance to get some of that off my chest face to face with a friend who understands, doesn't offer platitudes and just listens is very cathartic!  And then to be able to drop it all, and go have some fun.  Whether it is just sitting in a chair talking about all different kinds of things, or going to a fair and talking about the great and wonderful world of The Little Green People!!!  I don't care how old we get, those memories made in childhood and young adulthood will always remain precious and always be something that can pull one out of sadness and fear.  But to remember those things and create new memories, you need to see your friends!!

I know I am counting the days not only for this chemo to be over and behind me but also the days until I can make it back to VA and see so many of my friends!  Counting the days until I can go to IN and IL and see close friends there as well.  To know that I can travel without the fear of getting sick!  To be able to walk in public with my friends without wearing a mask!  To continue to make new memories with friends so that years down the road, old and white haired and sitting on a porch, the kids walking by think we are going a little batty as we laugh old lady laughs at the ridiculous and wonderful memories we shared together!  And thanking God that all those years later, we are able to laugh about and share those memories with one another.

While I don't exactly know what the future holds for me, I trust in God that it will include many more visits with friends and many more new memories!  In the mean time, each visit is going to something I cherish and hold on to on difficult days in the next ten to twelve weeks. 

Chemo Number 2

Well, while today was not reaction free, it wasn't as intense.  Still horrible feeling but we caught it quicker.  I'm hoping next time we can get the right steroid combo before hand!!  And I'm able to finish all of my chemo in one day this time around!!!  Just have to come back in tomorrow for my white count injection.  Apparently my blood counts from yesterday were practically textbook for a chemo patient!!  That was exciting!!

Today has been up and down but as it comes to a close i don't feel too bad considering:-).  I'm still wiped out but able to handle it better:-).  Hopefully with the new anti-nausea pills I have the next few days wont be as bad as last time.  Come on Zofran...do your thing!!!!

As I sit in my chemo chair watching the bag finish up I am redetermined that i will kick this thing and never come back unless it is to bring my awesome nurses a present!!  1/3 of the way done!  2 down, 4 to go!!!!!   I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!

Pictures:
1' Me in my  chemo chair.
2' My IV pole with my last drug of the day.
3' Me and mom
4' With two of my nurses!! Jan is blonde and Michelle brunette!  The 4 nurses here are the best!!!

Buzzing My Head

Getting my head buzzed yesterday was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.  If it hadn't been for my sister in law and my mom it probably would have been pretty traumatizing.  It's amazing how much something like hair can mean to you.  I'm not trying to be melodramatic or anything. But it probably took everything I had that day to not burst into tears. Not saying I didn't cry as you can see in one of the pictures. But, it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I know that doesn't make much sense given that I said it was the hardest thing that I did.  Having people around you that love you and care for you made it possible. but at the same time I just can't get over this head of no hair.  I still jump when I look in the mirror!

That being said,  I'm a little excited about what I can do with this look!  My sister in law, Margo, has made me scarves to wear and bangs to go underneath them.  I can be blonde or burnette depending on my mood:-).  This Monday I'm learning how to put makeup on while going through chemo and how to tie turbans.  There is a class and they actually give me a bunch of makeup afterwards.  They teach you how to draw eyebrows and put on eyelashes and other things.  Its called Look Good, Feel Good.  Its amazing how your self esteem takes a beating during chemo so whoever came up with this idea deserves an award!

So, I am not watching my hair fall out so dramatically anymore...and I'm starting to feel like I don't look as much like my brother Andy as I did yesterday.  He's a handsome guy but as a woman I would rather be pretty:-).  A huge thank you to Ashley for cutting my hair and being amazing!!  And especially to Margo for setting it all up and doing so much to get me through and still feel good about myself!  Love you!!!

Shopping in a Mask

While I'm not sure what my white count is right now, I've decided playing it safe is advisable.  So I've started wearing a mask in stores.  The first time I did this I felt incredibly self conscience!  I braced myself for people to stare at me.  That didn't so much stare as made a concerted effort to look away.  People very studiously avoided looking at me at all.

I don't know if that was better or worse.  After a few more times out with a mask (and a talk with the social worker at the cancer center) I'm a little more confident.  I'm doing this for myself.  And if the bandana on my head doesn't clue them in as to why I have a surgical mask on then not much will. 

But why do we look away from what we know to be a serious illness?  Trust me, in doing that you aren't giving that person any privacy, respect or concern.  You make them feel even more isolated!  The only time a person will feel isolated in a crowded store is when they are purposely and obviously ignored. 

I'm not saying go up to someone and start talking about cancer to them.  But instead of turning away, meet their eyes and give then a smile and keep on going!  That one small, noninvasive action helps more than you know.  It breaks the isolation and gives people a good feeling of acceptance, mask and all.  And maybe, helps them deal with what they are going through themselves.

The countdown has begin

Well, this week has been rough.  Mostly from being beyond exhausted and blah from the chemo!  When they said their number one complaint about chemo is how tired you get, they weren't kidding!!!  Even with severe anemia, I didn't feel this kind of tired!

I've made a sign to help me count off the treatments.  When I was in my last semester of college I marked off every day on my calendar, waiting for April 27 to arrive.  My chemo should go through mid October and while I'll probably start marking the days again, I also cross off each chemo on the sign i made with relish....or as much relish as I can muster!  The intent to be gleeful as I X a treatment is there, even if it isn't visible!

I know i haven't been blogging but to be honest, they would all say the same thing....very tired today.  I'm still very tired but starting to be able to push through some.  The crazy thing is, as tired as I am...I couldn't sleep at all last night!  Go figure!  I'm discovering that the human body is a confusing thing and it really doesn't like to be messed with!!

Hopefully I will be writing a bit more now until treatment two.  Please keep me in your prayers and I'll be praying for you:).

Rough going

Short and sweet today.  The past few days after chemo have been bad due to the anti nausea meds.  I'm weening off them now and slowly getting better bit by bit.  Still pretty out of it though.

End of chemo #1

Today was the second half of my first chemo.  Like yesterday, it had to go at half speed.  I tend to be pretty sensitive to the meds.

Tired and hyped from the steroids.  And can't sleep...interesting combination.  A short blog right now...can't stay focused!