Flowers in the Infusion Room

Today several kind men came into the infusion room with bouquets of flowers and handed them out!  As I walked back to my chair a man handed me these tulips!

It is a little thing, but at that moment, I felt special.  A complete stranger knew I was having a hard day and out of the kindness of his heart, he handed me tulips, and said they were for me!  The rest of the day, I kept looking at those tulips until dad took them home.  Every time I looked at them, I felt a little better for a few seconds:).

The kindness of a stranger I wonder was the kindness of God, letting me know through His creation that He is thinking of me:).  The kindness of people around me today made this day just a bit easier!

Chemo 1 Day 1

Today was a long day.  the original plan was two drugs in one day...shouldn't take more than four or five hours.  However, a reaction to the first drug slowed things down A LOT!!!

It started off with my blood pressure reflecting my nerves and anxiety.  Numbing my port and doing labs pushed the start off.  Then nine minutes into the first infusion I had quite the reaction!  Stomach pain, nausea, heart palpitations and the it felt like my face was going to explode and apparently I looked like a cherry tomato!  I sent my dad running, someone shoved a trash can under my and in seconds I was begging someone to tell me why I it felt like my face was about to pop!  Two of the nurses came in, shut of the infusion and I felt things easing up.  That was pretty scary!  We learned the infusion had to be slowed down a little over by half.  Thus, the day became a long one and I have to go back tomorrow to do the second infusion of the second drug.  Please pray I don't have a reaction to this one.

I am feeling really tired and wiped out.  But for now the nausea medicine is doing it's work.  And I am staying on it like clock work for the next several days!

The four nurses who run the infusion room are really awesome!  Michelle, Jan, Kim and Lindsey are really great, kind, empathetic and on top of everything.  It helps that I've known one of the nurses, Kim, since I was a teenager!  The picture is of Kim and I after we got the infusion under control and I started to feel better after the reaction.

So now I sit (of course!!  Sitting is my thing now!) at mom and dad's, listening as we watch The West Wing since NCISLA is not on for some reason.  Resting, recouping a bit and praying things stay calm.  Praying tomorrow is smoother and shorter!  Then I go back in on Friday for a shot to help with my white blood count.  Helps it not go down so low from the chemo.

I got a new hat today!  Kim came over with a cute, floppy hat with pastels on it!  They give away free hats too there:)  She thought it would look good on me...and I do like it!  It works with the new hair cut.  And for a couple weeks I'll sport it with a smile before I'm buzzed.

Now, I think I need to get some water and crackers.  Keeping a little food in me is highly recommended:).  Talk to you all tomorrow :)

Pre Chemo Hair Cut

In the literature I was given at my chemo class, there was a suggestion for women to cut their hair short before it starts to fall out.  They said it helps some with the emotional upheaval of loosing your hair.  So today, the day before I start chemo, I went and had my hair cut.  I realized that I don't think I could handle having the longer hair buzzed off my head as it was falling out.

I ended up at Looks Unlimited in Owosso as a walk in.  I can't say enough how wonderful they were there!  As soon as I told the receptionist what I needed and why, she called in a stylist.  That stylist was Crystal...one of the kindest women I have ever met!  She listened to what I wanted, but understood I couldn't really say exactly.  She got a few ideas and started cutting...and cutting and cutting!!  I have included pictures of the hair cut and afterwards.  And yes, I was crying during it too.  But Crystal just kept working and looking very pleased with herself as she went.  This helped me calm down some.  But still, as I watched my hair fall on the floor and cape around me, I could see myself \bald in my head and it terrified me.  Fear is so strong going through this that sometimes it feels all encompassing.  I kept looking at my mom, who was taking pictures as I asked her to so I could blog about this, and she kept smiling at me.  Slowly the tears dried up, and with them a little of the fear.

In the end, Crystal asked if she could style it.  Apparently I actually have pretty curly hair, but when it is longer it pulls the curls out.  So for a couple weeks I have some crazy, curly hair:)  At the end, Crystal turned me around and I stared in shock in the mirror!  A beautiful haircut that made me feel like I was looking at someone else!  Then I realized, I was looking at someone else.  Every event in our lives changes us one way or another.  Events of such size as the surgeries and cancer and now chemo that I am going through...I'm not the person I was back in April before this all started.  And I think that is ok.  I don't know exactly who I am right now.  But I think the rest of this experience will help me figure out who I am.

And one step along that way was getting a hair cut to help transition me to someone going through chemo.  I couldn't have asked for a nicer person than Crystal to help me through that.  Between her and the receptionist (who's name I sadly forgot to get) I felt like I was a special person in that time.  So I highly recommend if anyone in Owosso reads this, go to Looks Unlimited and ask for Crystal.  She is someone who knows her craft...and has a heart of gold!  Thank you Crystal for your help and kindness!!

Oddly Calm

While I know this will change, at the moment I am feeling oddly calm about chemo on Monday.  I keep telling myself that it can't be like surgery and therefor not as frightening.  Maybe not the most reasonable argument but one that is helping me. 

Sitting here watching The Bourne Legacy.  Tomorrow morning is my chemo class and then hopefully a ride on my brother's boat.  A time of fun and relaxing before Monday's chemo.  Hoping chemo starts on Monday.  I just want it over.

Just viewing it as something that has to be gotten done.  It won't last forever.  And hopefully when it is over that is all.  Not sure where this calm is coming from and not saying that I am completely calm.  But I am trying to leave it in God's hands and believe He will take care of me.  That helps in the calmer feeling.  Hoping it lasts through Monday!  lol!

Sisters

Yesterday we got a call from my sister Stephanie saying she was in the hospital and going to have an emergency gull bladder surgery.  It really stinks being so far away when things like that happen.  She lives in California :(.  I could tell my mom was wishing with everything she had to be able to be out there for my sister.  Right now we are relying on text messages, calls and FB messages to keep in touch.  The surgery went well but sadly they have to go back in sometime today for more surgery.  Steph called last night as she waited for an ambulance to transport her to another hospital for the second procedure.  She sounded a little groggy and loopy but it was good to hear her voice.  I was happy to get her slightly animated talking about the movie Voyage of the Dawn Treader.:)  To help lift her spirits mom and I went on a little shopping trip yesterday and filled a box with silly stuff to make her smile!

I have four sisters.  Stephanie is closest to me in age though and we spent many years sharing a room when we lived in Flint, before she went into the Air Force.  Things that made me want to never speak to her again as a child now make me smile and laugh to remember as an adult.  There was a string of nights where she felt it was her duty to make me scream as loud as possible by doing such things as hiding behind the bedroom door and jumping out at me.  Hiding under my bed and grabbing my ankles as I got into bed.  And then my favorite...pretending like she is talking in her sleep and as she screeched NO grabbing my feet and making my whole body levitate a good foot or two strait off my bed!!  At the time I was furious at her because not only was she laughing...but after dad burst in to see what was wrong, I noticed him trying not to laugh too!!  Now though, I just laugh.  And Steph hasn't changed a bit.  Only now she has two teenage kids to torture by jumping out at them:).    So glad to see things don't change:)

Pray for my sister please.  This is not a good time right now for her.

The picture I posted is of me, Stephanie and mom from last summer when she came to visit:).  Love you Steph and miss you so much!!!!!

You try to hold your arm still for 2 weeks!

A week ago today I had my port, Oscar, put in.  I was told that for two weeks I could not use full range of motion on my left arm...the side my port was put in on.  this makes total sense as using that arm a lot could pull the catheter out of place in the vein.  I fully understand the concept behind not using that arm much and not using full range of motion.  But I would love the people who give those instructions to go through that difficulty at least once, just so they can understand how frustrating you are making the life of that person for two weeks...while they are going through chemo!!

This means you wash your hair with one hand.  For a guy, not that hard.  For a woman....almost impossible!!  It means you can't each around behind you to reach an itchy spot on your back.  It means you can't stretch when you wake up.  It means you can't put your arm behind your head when you sleep.  You can't reach up to something above your head.  In fact, the elbow can't go above your shoulder.  getting dressed can be a real treat!

It is amazing how you don't think about your arm...especially after the soreness of the surgery eases up.  The soreness made me remember, don't use that arm that much.  However, maybe I can use a new pain to remind me of that.  from not being able to move that arm all that much, nor stretch it and the muscles in it, my shoulder and the muscles around it have become rather tender...and annoyed with me from stopping them stretching and working all that much.

While I don't plan to go wild and crazy at the end of the two weeks, I will be grateful when they tell me everything is in the proper place and I can use both hands to wash my hair and I can stretch a little...at the very least, move those muscles around a little more!!  I know this is a rather complaining blog but you know what...patience will only go so far in all of this...and I am reaching my limit here I think!!

A few thoughts

As I sit here in my room, listening to my Celtic Women Pandora station, I am feeling a small sense of peace come over me.  It isn't wiping away all the fear and anxiety, but it is helping me relax some.  The walls are a deep, smokey blue and the trees outside the windows are letting in a filtered sunlight that helps give a softness to the room.  The fan is blowing cool air on me and the new pillow I got for my back is cradling my sore muscles in a comfortable way.

Few have been these moments.  But when they come, I appreciate them.  I think some of what has helped was being able to go to Mass yesterday for the first time in over a month.  And afterwards Father Dave gave me the Annotating of the Sick. The fear, anxiety, uncertainty and so on is still there, but I feel better equipped to deal with it all.

I'm slowly learning to take difficult news in stride.  realizing most of the time there is just nothing I can do about it so worrying over it won't do any good.  For example, I found out a test was done that shows I am predisposed genetically to have a reassurance of this cancer.  For a while this thought terrified me.  Then I realized, there is little I can do about that.  And it isn't even a certainty, just a higher probability.  I have to deal with the now.  Thinking of a possible future isn't in the cards right now.  Am I still scared of the possibility?  Absolutely!!!!  I would be an idiot not to be!  But that isn't my focus right now.

My focus right now is to get through chemo with no ER visits and no delays in treatment.  That is all I can do for now.  And that is what I will do.