Cancer Catillion Idea

I had an idea today (and learned that it isn't the first time it has been had) of having a fund raiser and night for cancer patients and survivors...a Cancer Cotillion.  I want to give a fun time to people dealing with an unimaginable amount of stress.  A night for teenagers to have a beautiful dance and not have to worry about being bald because they aren't the only ones.  A night to raise money for uninsured cancer patients adn research.

The only reason I have any kind of medical coverage is because I am independent and have been in school for two years.  It gives a whole new meaning to being broke!   But there are a lot of families out there who do have jobs but no insurance or their insurance doesn't cover it all.  To be able to not only give those people a night of elegance and fun but also something to help ease the financial strain would be wonderful!

So anyone with ideas on how to move this forward, let me know!

No Twilight sleep...just lots of talking!

Yesterday was an interesting day.  I was once more reminded that in a hospital there is a lot of hurry up and wait!  And when you are anxious, waiting can be more than a little frightening.  There was a lot of waiting yesterday to get my port put in for my chemo treatments.  Even though I was so scared, I look back at it today and I have to laugh a little.  They must think I am more than a little crazy over at Covenant!

I was terrified getting my IV in...which left me with two glorious bruises, one on each arm.  Then as I waited in the prep room to go into the operating room, the nurse, Kevin, came in.  Kevin can best be described as Santa Clause in scrubs!!  He tried to sooth me in his way.  Very positive and assured me that he would come out as the person who was right in that it wasn't a big deal and I would in fact live through the procedure:).  I kept begging them to make me fall asleep...not enough to put a tube down my throat but enough to make me unaware of what they were doing.  Nothing doing!  Kevin and Dr. Channey were both very kind and understanding.  And Kevin kept assuring me everything would be fine.

I was wheeled into a very scaled down operating room.  No huge, round lights.  Kevin was correct in describing the operating table as a giant ironing board!  They put little plastic inserts on the sides for my arms to rest on.  Christy, who I think was the PA, was there to get me ready.  She started talking and we discovered a shared love for books!  I also introduced the whole crew to Celtic Women as Christy offered to play music from her IPod...thank goodness for Pandora!  Once I started talking, I didn't stop!!  Even when Kevin gave me my first dose of the medacine that was suppose to make me relax and be calm, I talked non stop through the whole procedure!!!  The only time I wasn't talking is when I was yelling and whimpering a bit when they were numbing the area they were working on.  That hurt quite a bit!  But fortunantly, I called Kevins name and held out my hand and he came right over and held it, letting me almost stop his circulation I was squeezing so hard!!!

I think a combination of fear and the drugs kept me talking all the way to X Ray (something they do after each procedure).  There was no one there when I arrived and I found myself humming, and then quietly singing (the song was Sunrise, Sunset from Fiddler on the Roof).  It was like I couldn't stop!!!!  Then the technician came in and we had a pleasant chat as he X rayed the area the port was in.  Then the transport girl and I talked all the way back to my room!  Fortunately there was a tray of food waiting for me and I was starving otherwise who knows what song I would have broken in to as I waited for my parents to come back to my room!!

I was high all day yesterday!  Now today I feel like I was run over by a MAC truck!  I am told by a nurse who called today to check on me that feeling is normal.  My shoulder is sore where the port is and where they cut in.  I was told I wouldn't feel the cathedar in my vein and I don't....but it is tender where they went into the vein.

What they do is they numb the whole area, cut it open, wiggle the port down under my skin, then thread the cathedar into my jugular vein and down towards the heart.  That way when the chemo goes in, it gets a good mix up into the blood and out through my body.  Amazing what they do to the human body to cure it!  I still don't feel good but I know in a few days I'll start to feel better.

And thus endith my story of getting my port.

The night before...ready but scared.

Well, tomorrow I get my port put in for my chemo.  While I logically know that the procedure is simple, and they do between 800 to 1000 a year at this place, and it will only make me a little sore, I'm still freaked out by it all.  Honestly, who wants to be cut in to?  But, I do know that I need this port.  Because I need it I will go through with it.  But that doesn't mean I can't be scared.

As scared as I am though, I am not physically freaking out tonight.  I had to watch my grandma go through a similar but more in depth procedure like mine.  She had to get a pace make put in and it is more involved.  She said she doesn't remember a thing and is just sore.  If my 89 year old grandmother can go through this procedure TWICE in a 24 hour period, I can do a simpler procedure without freaking out too bad.

I think what helps keep things calmer for me is focusing on other things.  Like a trip to the fabric store and finding some nice fabric and yarn.  Sitting and watching DVDs while knitting a shawl.  But also by repeating, it won't be that bad.  Scary but not that bad.  Staying active in any way and staying positive while acknowledging the fear I feel.

So, while I am saying I can do this and it will be over fast, let me also say....I'M SCARED!!!  But...I can do this.

How do you fight fear?

So, there is no reason I should be feeling blech still.  My last surgery was just over four weeks ago.  I understand I still feel the inside stitches since apparently they make them discolve over months now instead of weeks.  But this feeling I can't seem to shake is sticking with me.  The only thing I can figure it being is fear.

I suppose fear is natural in this case, I just never understood before how strong it can be...and how that can affect you physically.  The feeling that you aren't quite right...kinda sticks in your throat and head making you feel not so good...but at the same time not sick or anything.

But how do you make this go away when everything in front of you is more than enough cause for fear?  While I know the port procedure this coming Thursday isn't a very big deal in general...it is a huge deal to me!  Come on people!  They are taking a big needle, wiggeling it under my collar bone and then cutting open my skin!!!!  That is just not natural!!  While I agree that the port is the best way to go given how many times I will have to be stuck in the next 18 weeks, and given my absolute horror of needles, it still scares me!

And then the next week starts chemo.  I know it isn't going to be as bad as what my brother went through (which is my point of reference for everything when it comes to cancer and chemo) it isn't going to be a cake walk either!  So yes, fear is a bit all encompassing right now! 

How do I fight this fear?  I don't want to feel this way for 18 weeks! 

I'm trying to find ways.  I decided last night to view the affects of chemo as the worse morning sickness ever.  I know I will never really experience morning sickness but I have seen enough of it in friends to have an idea that I won't be too far off.  I'm hoping thinking of it that way will help some.  Not as scary I think.

As for the rest, I do pray a lot, and lean on the prayers of friends and family.  And I hug my parents A LOT!  For those few seconds, I can feel totally safe.  I don't care how old I am or how old I get, a parent's hug is still the safest place in the world.

I suppose I have to also just decide that this isn't going to get me.  I have to keep repeating that I am going to beat this thing and the port and chemo won't last forever.  That this is going to keep the cancer from coming back.  That I will live a long and happy life.  This is just a moment in time.  Maybe God is preparing me for something or maybe my life up to this point has been preparing me for this.  I do believe God doesn't give us anything we can't handle.  Which means He has faith in me that I can handle this...no matter how scared I am.  I hope this is how you fight the fear.

Sunshine, friends and family.

This weekend has been difficult with grandma in the hospital.  But I want to say there are two important things for getting through those hard times.  Sunshine, friends and family.  I have noticed that on days where it is over cast a dreery, I feel miserable.  Aches and soreness and icky feelings that had been gone seem to come back for no logical reason.  If curling up were something that was easier to do, I would curl up in bed all day.  Fortunately, while my ability to lay on my side and curl up a tiny bit is returning...it isn't comfortable to be in that position all day.  So I stay out of bed and fight through it.  But when the sun comes out, I feel a lot better.  Not like my old self by far but much better than when it is gloomy!  When the sun came out today and the clouds cleared away to reveal a beautiful blue sky and bright sunshine, I felt a small weight lift off of me.  And any amount of feeling better is a good thing.

Another important thing are friends.  Yesterday was not a happy day.  On top of being over cast all day, my grandma was going through a lot at the hospital and I couldn't be there to support her because I'm starting chemo and can't catch the pneumonia (and now plurosy)  that she has.  In fact my family members who spend time with her have to wear masks.  So while I was sitting at home yesterday, I found myself unable to keep my mind off of what was all going on.  It was starting to become overwhelming when I got a phone call from a friend.  I ended up crying over the phone to her about the frustration and fear I was feeling.  And sometimes, you just have to cry!  It is really great to have a friend who understands it all and lets you vent a little.  Holding it all in is probably one of the worse things you can do I'm learning.

Lastly, family is pretty important in holding me up.  My younger brother did something that meant a lot to me.  He had been talking about it but I wasn't sure if he would.  He came up for the weekend to be with grandma, and last night he went on some errands.  When he came back, he had gotten his head shaved bald, so that I wouldn't be bald alone when I loose my hair!!  Support like that means more than I can say!

Combine all three of these things, and all of this is a little bit easier to handle.

Never thought it would happen

Well, on the advice of my mom and my sister-on-law I'm trying to write about everything going on.  I thought my biggest hurdle was going to be graduating from college.  That seems like the easiest thing ever now!  And something I have accomplished.  I'm proud of that accomplishment but it feels so over shadowed by everything else. 
The week before graduation it felt like everything was coming unraveled and I had no way of stopping it.  I felt like I was on a raft being pushed all over the place with no way to guide, just hanging on for dear life.  I'm still hanging on, but now I feel like I have some ability to steer.
Having two surgeries in less than a month and being diagnosed with cancer in the midst of them is something I wasn't expecting to be dealing with.  But now I have to deal with it and am trying my best.
Not a lot of clear thought goes through my head when I think about this but what does go through I'm trying to express, hoping it helps.
On June 20 I get my port for chemo treatments put in.  It is a simple procedure I'm told.  I'm not knocked out but rather filled up with happy juice.  To be honest, it has me pretty scared but it is necessary for a smoother chemo.  I suppose it is best to not have to deal with IV's and repeated sticks in the veins in my arms...but the thought of being awake when they cut in and tuck a long cord into a vein and then sew over a little plastic thing just under my skin....yeap, pretty freaky. 
I have six treatments of chemo coming my way.   The plan is every three weeks I have one day of chemo, assuming my blood levels are at the proper places. 
I'm going to be loosing my hair from this chemo, although my grandma refuses to accept that and has told me numerous times the doctor doesn't know what he is talking about!  lol!  Doctors have learned to not argue with my grandma :)  Regardless, as much as I would like to believe grandma's words have the power to stop drugs from making my hair fall out all over, chances are they don't.  I'm going back and forth between freaking out and crying over the prospect and focusing on finding cute hats and scarves to wear and joke about crazy colored wigs.  It's like if I focus on hairloss being the worst thing that will happen, the nausea and crummy feeling that will follow each chemo treatment won't be so bad.
I've managed to find a cute, hot pink fedora and a multicolored scarf that works like a dew rag.  We'll see what else I find and how things go.

Finding Your Way

For one year now I have been back in college full time.  This time the end of the tunnel is in sight, albeit a little farther in the distance than I had been hoping.  Yet it is still there.  After one year back in school and with one more to go I have had some time to reflect on a thought that has been in my mind for a long time now.  Finding my way in life.  For my parent's generation and even that of my older siblings, life looked more direct.  I have often become frustrated in my life because my path has more than taken a circuitous route....it's like trying to follow the track of a squirrel hopped up on caffeine!  (For a mental image think of "Over the Hedge!).  I know this has caused concern to people in my life, and yet, it has made me realize one thing.  My path through life wasn't meant to be strait.

I learned a long time ago if I didn't just accept life changes and see them as a new challenge I was going to go insane.  From the moment I decided this, while my life continued on in a seemingly haphazard direction, it started to make some kind of sense to me.  Making sense out of the chaos; I was becoming better and better at that.  Because of this seeming lack of direction, my life has been enriched and challenged in ways I never thought possible.

One year I thought I had switched from a steady but ultimately unfullfilling job to the exciting world of wedding planning.  One week later my boss discovered I was better at her job than she was.  This did not go over well..  So I found myself out of a job and cut adrift!  This was probably the most terrifying time in my life.  I thought for sure I was finally directionless.  But from this directionless I managed to learn the ins and outs of dealing with unemployment, a skill that helped me and other people in my life at later dates.  I also got a chance to spend a summer with my sister and niece, a summer I would not trade for all the money in the world!  While nothing earth shattering happened, I was able to come to know my oldest sister better, as an adult, and that is priceless to me.  From that summer I went back to college, choosing my first college, Christendom. 

To an outside observer this year seems to ultimately be a failure.  I couldn't continue on after that year there and never returned to finish at that college.  But if I hadn't gone back, and had to deal with a very frustrating first semester, I wouldn't have the most amazing second semester.  I was introduced to the world of film and found talents I didn't know I had.  I have my name (in several places) on a feature length film and discovered a love for production on top of my love for writing.  Combine these two loves together and whole worlds can be created!

And so the story continues.  A couple years in corporate America, a year of unemployment (which I knew how to handle without a problem now!) and then a wonderfully frightening and unbelievably enriching year of teaching.  That year of teaching junior high was another large step in my life.  I moved to a state where I knew no one and made a home for myself.  I discovered I am a good teacher and once more was back in the world of theatre, a world I have loved for many years.  I learned the amazing feeling of being able to help a child learn something.  The deeply moving moment of receiving thanks from a parent in being able to help their child bring out their hidden talents. To have a student come up to me with a fist full of my favorite flowers with a hopeful look on his face that I would like them followed by a beautiful smile when I buried my nose in them and immediately put them in front of me on my desk!.  To have a student run up to me and give me a hug for no reason other than they liked seeing me at their volleyball game!  I was heart broken when I couldn't continue on in that job.  But as I stood in the school chapel talking to my principle about it, I looked and saw the crucifix on the wall and in my minds eye I could almost hear God say to me, "Time to move on."  And so it was.  I knew then that God really did have a path for my life.  It was His path.

God doesn't always work in a strait line.  In fact, if we really think about it, His lines are graceful curves and arches all over the canvas of our lives.  When we truly try to find our way in life, when we surrender that control to God, He takes over and takes off.  Some people have gentle, slowly changing curves in their lives and some people have sharp and sudden turns to the right and left.  Or maybe a sweeping curve high and out to left field.  Regardless the direction taken, we have to remember that we are all on our own, individual paths in life, following the directions given, even when they don't really seem to make sense to us.  They make sense to God and all we have to do is remember, especially through the difficult and confusing times when it seems there is no rhyme or reason in our lives, there is an amazing picture being painted and we are on the tip of the brush of the Artist as we find our way in life.